Read on Twitter
Having read some tweets, I am now curious in my own way about an issue that requires deeper thought:
When a male abuser attacks a woman in public, & the matter is resolved "privately and amicably" - does it end there?
What is amicable in these circumstances?
What is private?
When a male abuser attacks a woman in public, & the matter is resolved "privately and amicably" - does it end there?
What is amicable in these circumstances?
What is private?
I totally understand the need to keep things private, perhaps due to the shame, hue and hullabaloo that ensue after such a story comes out. The burden usually falls on the woman - why did she "expose" the man?
And I am talking from personal experience here.
And I am talking from personal experience here.
{When I exposed a sexual predator at a former place of work, I was attacked relentlessly to the point of almost losing my mind.
"Hujui huyo anakuanga hivyo?"
"Aii ume exaggerate hapo"
"You've blown this out of proportion, he's usually harmless"
"Hujui huyo anakuanga hivyo?"
"Aii ume exaggerate hapo"
"You've blown this out of proportion, he's usually harmless"
"He's usually a ka-joker, you didn't have to escalate it like this"
"That's usually his way of expressing that he likes you, did you have to do him dirty like this"
Are some of the things I was told. Men would even tell each other "unaongea na huyu, utajikuta HR boss", etc}
"That's usually his way of expressing that he likes you, did you have to do him dirty like this"
Are some of the things I was told. Men would even tell each other "unaongea na huyu, utajikuta HR boss", etc}
So, I get it. The backlash makes for heavy emotional toll. The accusations of "you're spoiling his career" or "I swear umemuharibia job yake" can make you so gaslit, you perhaps wonder why you didn't just solve things privately and let things be.
My question then would be - when an abuser attacks you publicly, as a start, what does a private aftermath look like in terms of them approaching you for a resolution?
What does an amicable resolution look like for the survivor here? Is amicable possible for the abused?
What does an amicable resolution look like for the survivor here? Is amicable possible for the abused?
{And I ask this because in my *current* place of work, a male lecturer has been accused of fondling female students without consent in public. The ensuing hue and outcry from this man were of the same line of breadwinning etc, and wanting to solve this privately and amicably}
Let's take this a notch higher.
When an abuser attacks a woman in *private*, that is, away from the public sphere, and the woman decides to report this, thereby pulling the matter from the private into the public sphere, how does a resolution look like for her? Is a resolution
When an abuser attacks a woman in *private*, that is, away from the public sphere, and the woman decides to report this, thereby pulling the matter from the private into the public sphere, how does a resolution look like for her? Is a resolution
even possible? How does it look like? Do the words private and amicable come in? If so, and we unpack these words, what do they look like and what is their texture(s) and timbre(s)?
Who comes out satisfied and resolved?
Who comes out satisfied and resolved?
Because - phew - this is just, for me, too {I'm trying to find the right word for this}.
Look here - if a man sexually attacks me, and others as well, that means he's a sexual predator, a serial abuser, who has gotten away with it several times. So what does that mean if he
Look here - if a man sexually attacks me, and others as well, that means he's a sexual predator, a serial abuser, who has gotten away with it several times. So what does that mean if he
comes to me and we "resolve" in whatever way?
What if he "resolves" with all the other woman he has abused {we are on hypotheticals here}. Does that absolve him?
What if he only approaches a few, based on their levels of privilege, what then?
What if he "resolves" with all the other woman he has abused {we are on hypotheticals here}. Does that absolve him?
What if he only approaches a few, based on their levels of privilege, what then?
{and I ask this because I know men know about privilege. They would regret abusing a woman they later discover is higher on the privilege scale i.e is "connected" to powerful people who can easily knock them off their perch/ is from a wealthy background/ is more educated etc}
{{and can we also interrogate this approach of theirs when making "amends" please? Is it threatening? Is it genuinely apologetic, and if so, what does that look like?
*And what is a "genuine apology" from such a man when he has been routinely doing this to many women?}}
*And what is a "genuine apology" from such a man when he has been routinely doing this to many women?}}
{because "approaches" are varied. The lecturer I've mentioned in this thread approached the students who reported him via other male students, who threatened to make the lives of this man's abuse victims and survivors worse.
So the "how" is to be interrogated here too
So the "how" is to be interrogated here too
So for this case, HOW was this approach done to the level of becoming "amicable"?
Who was involved in the approach to the level of it becoming so amicable, the alleged victim of that time can now state - please don't use me to bring this man down?
Who was involved in the approach to the level of it becoming so amicable, the alleged victim of that time can now state - please don't use me to bring this man down?
Which brings me to another question, that of the burden of culpability -
When a man abuses women, and it is on record, why is it the women who are seen as "bringing the man down"?
Surely, it is the man's actions that work towards his own downfall, as it were? Why does the
When a man abuses women, and it is on record, why is it the women who are seen as "bringing the man down"?
Surely, it is the man's actions that work towards his own downfall, as it were? Why does the
burden shift to what the woman does, and further, what others in the public sphere will do with that information?
Is rape and sexual abuse a "private matter"? These are serious crimes covered under Law. Are they private? And when made public, do they remain private?
Is rape and sexual abuse a "private matter"? These are serious crimes covered under Law. Are they private? And when made public, do they remain private?
Lastly, how can we honour victims and survivors, especially within deeply patriarchal structures where they still have to work, live, breathe? How do we honour these women, so that no matter how gaslit we imagine they are, we still honour them and their wishes?
And how do we honour these survivors without extending that honour to the abusers and perpetrators?
Because I found out I was linked to my abuser inexorably. When he went down, I went down with him. I lit a fire that burnt me with him. It was hard to work there, get promoted,
Because I found out I was linked to my abuser inexorably. When he went down, I went down with him. I lit a fire that burnt me with him. It was hard to work there, get promoted,
make friends, breathe. Every day, I had to work in the same space as him, & those that protected him and felt I had overreacted.
As abusers go, he did get fired a few months thereafter for doing something else that was seen to be more destructive to the company, i.e moonlighting
As abusers go, he did get fired a few months thereafter for doing something else that was seen to be more destructive to the company, i.e moonlighting
In such climates, where making this public means the fire we light, as well as the fire other victims and survivors light blows back on us, lies my final question:
How do we delink sexual abusers and predators from their victims, so that they go down alone?
How do we delink sexual abusers and predators from their victims, so that they go down alone?
How do we delink survivors from abusers so that three/four years down the line, they don't feel the need to respond or to defend these abusers when another fire is lit. So that they let the person burn in the fires of their own making?
How, indeed?
How, indeed?
AND a final one.
When a crime is committed, and the perpetrator "settles" with the victim "privately" - does it mean the perpetrator mustn't face the full extent of either legal justice, or public/poetic justice, in the case of "hard-to-prove" crimes such as rape?
When a crime is committed, and the perpetrator "settles" with the victim "privately" - does it mean the perpetrator mustn't face the full extent of either legal justice, or public/poetic justice, in the case of "hard-to-prove" crimes such as rape?
Is it wrong for the public {whichever section of the public this is} to call for the perpetrators of sex crimes to lose their incomes as a form of justice, no matter how the perpetrators have "amicably" settled with their victims & survivors? Are these things mutually exclusive?
