I'm about to break the first rule of covering the far right. I'm gonna admit I'm upset about something

For a week now, people have laughed and told me I'm clearly not intimidated by men with guns threatening me because I don't "act intimidated"

There's some baggage there for me

I don't emote "correctly" in public. It's caused me a lot of trouble

I grew up in a house where large, loud emotions were...discouraged

Then I joined the Army, where any kind of non-angry display of emotion proved you were a weak little girl who shouldn't be in the Army

Once, two big guys who outranked me locked me in a small room with them and tried to put a camel spider on me. Look that shit up, it's a nightmare from beyond time

I am arachnophobic. I would have screamed like a girl. So instead I pulled my multitool and threatened to stab them

And they let me out and everything was fine because to complain they would have had to admit what they did

If anything, they had more respect for me after that

That's the world I came of age in

So yeah, when I'm intimidated or frightened or sad, I immediately turn to anger and bravado because that's what has always kept me safe. It still does

I go home and I cry there, where it's safe. Sometimes it takes days to feel whatever I feel, but I feel it just like anyone else

I am fucking terrified Every. Single. Time

EVERY TIME

I do it to prove to myself I'm not a coward and because if we're all being honest I get off on the adrenaline

But I'm always scared

It really bothers me when people assume it means I don't have feelings because frankly it happens a lot and it's played havoc on my personal life

So it gets under my skin sometimes

Like now

I guess I'm hoping posting this will help me feel less invisible and trapped in my own head, enough to outweigh the 50,000 "cry more" responses I'll be receiving shortly

Thanks for listening