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sakusa kiyoomi doesn& #39;t cry. that& #39;s something that atsumu knows for sure.
when they lose a game, when he argues with his cousin, when a fan says something nasty - sakusa doesn& #39;t cry.
so then why, atsumu wonders, are omi& #39;s shoulders shaking? why is his head bowed?
when they lose a game, when he argues with his cousin, when a fan says something nasty - sakusa doesn& #39;t cry.
so then why, atsumu wonders, are omi& #39;s shoulders shaking? why is his head bowed?
why won& #39;t he make eye contact with atsumu?
"is it me?"
a mere croak. rough, choked, accompanied with a wet sniffle. atsumu can& #39;t see omi& #39;s face, but he knows that it must be twisted tight and his eyes must be squeezed shut.
"is it me?"
a mere croak. rough, choked, accompanied with a wet sniffle. atsumu can& #39;t see omi& #39;s face, but he knows that it must be twisted tight and his eyes must be squeezed shut.
"omi-"
"just answer me, miya. is it me?"
miya. it sits heavy on atsumu& #39;s heart. miya. atsumu hasn& #39;t been miya in months; in over a year. miya sounds like a spit, like an eyeroll, like unhappiness and desperation. miya doesn& #39;t sound like a synonym for love and mine.
"just answer me, miya. is it me?"
miya. it sits heavy on atsumu& #39;s heart. miya. atsumu hasn& #39;t been miya in months; in over a year. miya sounds like a spit, like an eyeroll, like unhappiness and desperation. miya doesn& #39;t sound like a synonym for love and mine.
and atsumu has gotten used to that these past few months.
"is what you, omi?"
omi is hurting and atsumu doesn& #39;t want to make that worse, so even though it stings when omi backs away from him, atsumu stands his ground.
"omiomi. baby, is /what/ you?"
"is what you, omi?"
omi is hurting and atsumu doesn& #39;t want to make that worse, so even though it stings when omi backs away from him, atsumu stands his ground.
"omiomi. baby, is /what/ you?"
kiyoomi sounds very tired when he speaks again. with his head suddenly raised, atsumu can see omi& #39;s red-rimmed eyes and dampened lashes; can read the resignation and misery radiating from him.
"the reason you don& #39;t say & #39;i love you& #39;. is it because of me? am i..."
unloveable?
"the reason you don& #39;t say & #39;i love you& #39;. is it because of me? am i..."
unloveable?
it shakes atsumu to the core.
am i unloveable?
the same phrase that sunk deep beneath atsumu& #39;s skin to lie dormant & dangerous around his bones. the same phrase that lowered itself into atsumu& #39;s marrow. the same phrase that settled down within atsumu & said "hello, i& #39;m here."
am i unloveable?
the same phrase that sunk deep beneath atsumu& #39;s skin to lie dormant & dangerous around his bones. the same phrase that lowered itself into atsumu& #39;s marrow. the same phrase that settled down within atsumu & said "hello, i& #39;m here."
"no," says atsumu. unbidden, he takes a step forward. omi doesn& #39;t flinch this time so atsumu takes omi& #39;s hands between his.
"kiyoomi, no. no, it& #39;s not you."
"right. it& #39;s not me - it& #39;s you."
dry, a wet laugh. bone-deep exhaustion.
"kiyoomi, no. no, it& #39;s not you."
"right. it& #39;s not me - it& #39;s you."
dry, a wet laugh. bone-deep exhaustion.
atsumu frowns.
"hey." he presses their foreheads together and watches how kiyoomi& #39;s eyes fall shut immediately. though omi& #39;s cheeks aren& #39;t tear-stained, atsumu cups them all the same; brushes his thumb along that familiar, warm curve.
"omi," he says, "i was scared."
"hey." he presses their foreheads together and watches how kiyoomi& #39;s eyes fall shut immediately. though omi& #39;s cheeks aren& #39;t tear-stained, atsumu cups them all the same; brushes his thumb along that familiar, warm curve.
"omi," he says, "i was scared."
omi doesn& #39;t speak.
"i& #39;m /still/ scared. i& #39;m scared i& #39;m going to wake up one day and you& #39;re gonna realise you don& #39;t love me."
omi tugs away with a little grunt, eyes sharper than before and just a little bit furious. he& #39;s hurting and it makes atsumu& #39;s heart ache.
"i& #39;m /still/ scared. i& #39;m scared i& #39;m going to wake up one day and you& #39;re gonna realise you don& #39;t love me."
omi tugs away with a little grunt, eyes sharper than before and just a little bit furious. he& #39;s hurting and it makes atsumu& #39;s heart ache.
"i say & #39;i love you& #39; every morning," omi bites, "and not once have you ever said it back. you think i& #39;m going to /leave/ you?"
atsumu soothes him with gentle hands against his cheeks and draws him back in close. his omi. who& #39;s trusting him with his vulnerabilities.
atsumu soothes him with gentle hands against his cheeks and draws him back in close. his omi. who& #39;s trusting him with his vulnerabilities.
why can& #39;t atsumu do the same?
so, he swallows, tilts their foreheads back together and tries so hard to keep their eye contact. but it& #39;s too much and his cheeks and ears burn and he whines, letting his eyes fall shut.
"kiyoomi. omiomi. i ..."
am i unloveable?
so, he swallows, tilts their foreheads back together and tries so hard to keep their eye contact. but it& #39;s too much and his cheeks and ears burn and he whines, letting his eyes fall shut.
"kiyoomi. omiomi. i ..."
am i unloveable?
omi, in the mornings, holding him. kissing him. inviting him into his home. omi, in the midday sun, laughing at him. watching him cook. teasing him. omi, in the evenings, humming off-key jingles. rearranging the couch pillows. letting atsumu lie on him.
it& #39;s suddenly so easy.
it& #39;s suddenly so easy.
