Thread by @kimi_ga_shine, [Long Ass Vent Thread, if you don't want to read then skip]warning? [...]

[Long Ass Vent Thread, if you don& #39;t want to read then skip]
warning? may contain sensitive topics about death/thinking about death and w/e; if it& #39;s too much for you, don& #39;t read. I& #39;m not here to filter myself right now. I have many thoughts and things I need to get out of my head.

I really believed 2020 would be my year of improvement and self care. At the start of the year I was taking walks everyday, I had stopped drinking energy drink and cut down on sugar, I had motivation to improve my art and practice everyday, everything was going so well, but no.

Of course, COVID-19 happened and that fucked up a lot. Not only for me of course but millions of people globally. My situation didn& #39;t change much more other than I avoided people more often, but it definitely meaning affected me emotionally as I became more shut in.

During Feb-March things started to crash down again; but I didn& #39;t care. I& #39;ve gone back to my energy drink habits, which are bad but I don& #39;t have the energy to stop. I don& #39;t take daily walks anymore. I try every once in a while but then I get hit by heavy rain or such.

Outside factors I can& #39;t control. Sure I can walk in the rain but I do rather not. I like walks, I like moving around. I hate sitting still all the time. I like people, I& #39;m an extrovert, I HATE being on my own for longer than 1 day or even a few hours. I& #39;m talkative--

--And love talking to people. That& #39;s what gives /me/ the energy, and currently I can barley meet my friends, for obvious reasons. I can& #39;t travel, I can& #39;t do things I would& #39;ve done otherwise to give myself happiness. I& #39;m stuck.

I& #39;m so tired. So so tired.

tw; suicidal thoughts

I don& #39;t like opening up about this, as usually I keep all my venting and these thoughts to myself, cause I know it& #39;s a lot. But this year, I& #39;ve had thoughts about dying, how to die, when to die, just not wanting to live anymore. I& #39;m scared.

tw; suicidal talk

I know I am not "suicidal" or so to speak; there& #39;s many things in life I still want to live for and things I want to do.
But I& #39;m tired of being alive, I& #39;m tired of waking up, I& #39;m tired of where I am, and I& #39;m tired of not being able to do much.

I feel so fucking useless in life. I know it& #39;s not a competition, and that every does their things in their own phase, but I feel so behind. So many of my friends are at University, has a job, a apartment, studies in another country etc the list goes on.

I& #39;m just home.

And I& #39;ve been home, doing & #39;nothing& #39; to contribute to society just taking up living resources another person could& #39;ve used. I have no job. I have no school. I live with my mom. I& #39;m a person who& #39;s wasting space when others could use this much more than /me/.

yes, I have it good in life. I still have a accepting family of my identity, I have a roof to live under, I am not in any emergency, I have my privilege. It makes me feel bad for complaining about not wanting to go on because I "have so much"; further why, I don& #39;t deserve it.

There& #39;s so much going on now. With moving to another city (probably) in January-February, because my mom has a job up there. Which is good, but I hate that city for various reasons. Not to mention I won& #39;t be able to basically see my friends at all unless we plan out.

I& #39;ll be alone. More so than before. I get depressed by being alone. I hate it. It drains me. It makes me tired. It sucks out the life of me. People are SO important in my life and my own well being.

I don& #39;t mean to "depend on others for my happiness" but my friends--

--contribute so much to my happiness. It& #39;s only thanks to my friends I& #39;ve been able to get back on my feet. (both online and irl). So this is a huge set back for ME personally.

I want to move, yes. I hate my current apartment, but I would& #39;ve much rather lived in a city--

--I have never even been in, even if it& #39;s further away than this city than to live in this city. (This city is about 40 minutes away from my current city, which no isn& #39;t too bad but I could& #39;ve much rather lived like 3 hours away rather than this fucking city)

My mom stresses me out. She makes me feel so invalid. She& #39;ll ask me why I& #39;m crying, and I tell her because there& #39;s just "too much" going on in my head, it& #39;s MY only RESPONSE when I& #39;m OVERWHELMED because SHE keeps pushing. What do she respond with?

"Well how much don& #39;t you think I have to think about" like thanks yes that makes me feel better knowing that you have MORE problems than me going on than me. You ask ME why I was crying, and I told you my response only for you to put me down ONCE AGAIN.

My mom& #39;s a workaholic and can& #39;t fucking take a rest. She complains about her body hurting and things not getting done, that she& #39;s been up since 6 am and doing work stuff.

yet she DOESN& #39;T take breaks, she doesn& #39;t listen when I tell her to rest and listen to her body.

My mom has a illness/condition in which her body hurts a lot (with her joints and what not) so it makes it physically harder to do things, and she always takes her aggression and frustration out on me. ESPECIALLY when we& #39;re cleaning or sorting things out in the house.

I hate cleaning because of her. It stresses me the fuck out.
My mom needs to have everything NOW and TODAY!
She can& #39;t wait a few hours, she can& #39;t take breaks, she must do things NOW AND FAST!!!
And I can& #39;t.
I must work at MY OWN phase to get it done.
But she gets mad at me.

She gets mad at me for explaining that I work differently than her. She gets mad at me for not doing enough. She gets mad at me for "not being able to handle life".
She gets mad at me for "not taking criticism" when she upright tells me I& #39;m not "doing enough".

All of these things keep adding into my mindset of "I& #39;m just a bother to society, I should die.". My mom has outright said to me that """"I& #39;m not ready"""" because I can& #39;t ""handle conflict""" (when I argue with her).
but she keeps. pushing. my. buttons. she keeps. pushing.

When I tell you I "can& #39;t talk now" / "we take it later" ; she can& #39;t take that. She needs an explanation NOW.
Which causes me to hyperventilate, it causes me to cry, it causes me to shake because I was NOT emotionally stable to talk or do this/that at THIS very moment but--

-- maybe in a few hours or so. But no. My mom can& #39;t handle that. She can& #39;t wait. She can& #39;t relax. She can& #39;t be wrong. It& #39;s always the way SHE wants to have things done. She doesn& #39;t LISTEN to me. Only when it& #39;s convenient to her.

She says "she knows me"; but I doubt.

And if all of this wasn& #39;t enough, I feel like I won& #39;t be able to do my math course now either because of this move. It& #39;s already hard for me to get started but hahah maybe I was set up to fail anyways. It& #39;s not like I& #39;m getting anywhere in life.

I& #39;ve been stuck here for 2 years.

2 years of no difference. Two years of just, having my life sucked away.

I& #39;m tired, I& #39;m so fucking tired. I won& #39;t get anywhere.
I have nothing I& #39;m good at, I don& #39;t have a drivers licence, I don& #39;t have an income to move out on my own. I can& #39;t change my situation on my own.

I WANT to move out. I WANT to "start living". I WANT to work, I WANT to have a job. But it& #39;s hard. I& #39;ve been TRYING for 2 years now.

Just as things were getting better, I was about to start job practicing this month, but knowing we& #39;ll have to move I have to cancel it.

I understand that the move is not my decision and my mom needs to do what& #39;s best for her, but this is gonna fuck me up so badly I can& #39;t even imagine. I& #39;ve already tried to think of when/how I could die but I don& #39;t have the fucking guts to do anything. I can& #39;t die.

I am not sure if I can even go to my "therapy" anymore as it will be 40 min + ~15 min away. I already found it hard enough to get there when I currently live closer, so once I move there& #39;s no way I& #39;ll have the energy to get out.

I personally sought out a person to talk to--

-because I KNOW I need it. But now that& #39;s crashing down too. I don& #39;t even know if they have someone I can talk to in the new city, at least not without waiting like 6+ months. I don& #39;t know if I can manage to do online therapy as I work better IN-PERSON + I don& #39;t want to talk-

-to people if my mom is around as my mom is causing me distress and not be able to relax.

I don& #39;t know what I can do.
I& #39;m not good at anything besides art, which where I am barley good at too. My art isn& #39;t worth enough to sustain me or be able to price so that I can live-

-on my own. I can& #39;t be a freelance artist but right now I don& #39;t have much other choice if I want to move out soon.
I feel stuck. I won& #39;t get anywhere.

I already hate drawing, I don& #39;t want to draw anymore. I& #39;ve wanted to quit art for a while but I can& #39;t. It& #39;s the only thing I-

-have left that /I/ can do. It& #39;s the only thing I can still improve on but I keep seeing my art as not worth anything more than like, $20 at most.
I can& #39;t life off $20. Especially not with the currency transfer rates and the extra fees to transfer to my bank if I were to try.

I don& #39;t feel like I& #39;ll make it.
I& #39;ll be stuck here.
Mom will keep complaining.
I won& #39;t do enough to "deserve" to have what I have.
I won& #39;t get into university next year, I already know it.
I doubt I& #39;ll get any job for the next year either, even if I try.

I& #39;m tired. Really tired.

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