TW.
don’t read if in/considering recovery.
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here’s my problem: last time I weighed I was 60.3 kg, my UGW is 55 kg (I’m 1.75 m) and I’ve been struggling with restricting.. I’m tired of being hungry, I don’t want to feel hungry anymore. (thread)

but I’m also tired of being full and eating and feeling out of control. I wanted to do 1300-1500 a day as high restriction but I’m at 1486 today and I’m fighting the urge to binge and I’m still hungry ._.

the problem with low restriction is that I really can’t function on <1000 and sometimes even 1000-1200.. I’m not a fun person to be around like that, I’m tired and cranky and I’ll feel dizzy and sick.
I’m so sick of my eating disorder.

my body is still too disgusting to recover.. I want to reach 55 kg first but I’m struggling so much. I feel like reaching 55 kg is the only way I’ll be worthy, if I have a bmi of 18 and be “officially” underweight (my bmi is 19.7 now) thanks doctors for pushing everything on BMI

idk what to do, kinda just wanna be bullied with personal meanspo so much that I’ll just stop eating again and not struggle with restricting anymore. but I’m just so fucking hungry and dizzy and just so sick.

I wanna stop being hungry and stop having an eating disorder and not die from this and have a good life with my boyfriend. but every time I see my body I think... fucking disgusting and see why I have to keep going.. how the fuck do I repress extreme hunger..

I also really don’t see my life going anywhere and kinda feel like if I die so be it because I’m so fucking worthless and it wouldn’t make a difference anyway. I kinda just wish my suicide attempt in february succeeded ._. but I also wanna be 55 kg before I die

like what the fuck do I do