Read on Twitter
I don& #39;t know if I& #39;ve ever talked about it here, but since I had another episode last night /and/ it& #39;s October, it feels like a good time to share this experience: I am someone that experiences sleep paralysis; infrequently these days, but that wasn& #39;t always the case. thread:
If you& #39;ve never had sleep paralysis and you read about it on the internet, I& #39;m sure it sounds awful: it& #39;s an awkward state where consciousness and unconsciousness collide. You& #39;re "asleep" and can& #39;t move or speak, but you& #39;re "awake", as in you& #39;re /aware/ you can& #39;t move or speak.
If this happens and your eyes are open, you often hallucinate because you were either entering or leaving dream states, and depending upon how close you got to sleep, it can feel like you& #39;re trapped in this wake/sleep limbo for an extremely long amount of time.
When I was young, this happened to me /a lot./ The first sleep paralysis episode I ever had is something I will always remember: At some point in the night I had rolled over to my stomach. I was on top of the pillow, with it under my neck and chest. I "woke", but not all the way.
While I was "stuck" on the pillow, my stuck consciousness—not aware of what sleep paralysis was—freaked the fuck out. I experienced a tightness in my chest that is common in this state, but because my throat/head was awkwardly on the pillow, I thought I was choking.
I was very young, I think around six or seven. I wanted to scream for my parents. My mouth wouldn& #39;t open. I wanted to turn over. My limbs wouldn& #39;t move, my body wouldn& #39;t turn. I was trapped in the meat of my vessel in the middle of the night. I was certain I would die.
Of course, this was a longer episode so I got to think about my predicament for quite a while. I don& #39;t know how common this is for other sufferers, but when you become "aware" you are in this state, fear is almost unavoidable. Even last night& #39;s episode as an adult, which was—
quite tame compared to when young-me thought he would get killed by sleeping weird on a pillow, I still felt incredible anxiety and fear creeping in to my conscious state. The only difference now is I have a number of episodes under my belt, so as part of myself is freaking out—
I can just consciously remind myself "This is just sleep paralysis. It& #39;s nothing. It& #39;s not a big deal." Once you have that sort of power and awareness over the state, as I did with last night& #39;s episode, I actually found it quite cool? I can imagine it& #39;s comparable to a bad trip.
(apologies to experienced drug-enjoyers if the comparison I& #39;m about to describe is off—I& #39;m ignorant. My list of drug experiences ends at "legally tried a CBD soda once in his 30s and took a nap.")
In short, I ignored the anxious part of the paralysis, was in control of myself enough to say "this is just my brain being weird," and I enjoyed the assault of hallucinogenic colors and creatures on my bedroom walls until sleep properly happened. Frankly, 10/10 experience.
You don& #39;t get to choose when you have sleep paralysis (afaik—DM me if you KNOW THE SECRET OF MY BRAIN) which is unfortunate because I now feel practiced enough in my life that I think I can take control anytime now. I would use it, I think, to get inspiration for art and writing.
And that& #39;s the main reason I& #39;m documenting this. It& #39;s a far cry from where I was, even a decade ago. I remember the last "fear-out-of-control" episode I had, I hallucinated that my roommate kicked down my door and stared at me. As he stared, his limbs floated around him.
As you know, I couldn& #39;t exactly call for help. And I couldn& #39;t run. So instead, I just laid there, eyes open, the sun coming through my blinds (oh, by the way, this can happen both going to sleep AND waking up) staring at the rotating form of a friend that wasn& #39;t actually there.
tl;dr I& #39;m looking to commission independent sleep paralysis demons for sporadic performances. Must be willing to follow instructions. (Happy October, everyone.)
