I've taken a step back from Twitter recently. I know we're gearing up for #NAAM and while part of me wants to support other adoptees speaking out, a bigger part of me is just...done. It feels like screaming into the void every time I tweet something. I know other adoptees...

...get it, but no one else does really. Even the ones who claim to have usually benefitted from the system or perpetuated it in some way. It feels like nothing is changing or ever will. We are drowned out at almost every turn. I'm tired of drowning. I'm tired.

This isn't about self pity or not wanting to "heal". I would give anything to be able to put this down. I'm trying my best to accept that this is my existence and make the best of it, but it's hard to see adoption constantly glorified when you know the pain it can cause.

My instinct when things get too much is to withdraw. I know it's not healthy, but the alternative feels like setting myself on fire while people watch and tell me I'm not burning. The gaslighting is exhausting. Having to fight to be heard and not dismissed is soul destroying.

I want to be a voice for those who are children right now who may one day realise they feel like me and so many others. Who may be struggling to come to terms with this fractured identity we are given. Who don't understand why they feel the way they do. I want to change things.

I just don't know how, when there is a refusal by society at large to see the adoption system as anything but good. It feels futile to try. Not only that, but it's painful to be dismissed and disregarded by those who believe things are "different now". So that's where I'm at.