Hey American followers - you can mock us Brits for many things but don't come after our food. We like things subtle. That's our thing. Subtle food. Delicate flavours. Moderation.

We save our decadence for alcohol.

Digestive biscuits, scones, Victoria sponge, roast beef - all careful flavours, designed to complement jam, cream, Mustard etc. All tightly scheduled and precise. No corn syrup.

You eat an American dessert and it's overbearing. Too intense. Makes you frightened. Makes you long for the soothing cuddle of custard.

You eat a British Dessert and you feel safe, it doesn't play on your mind that you're annihilating your liver. You know it'll all be OK. A jam roly poly, where the strawberry jam is by far the most intense ingredient, is the food equivalent of putting warm slippers on.

And our best friend, of course, is stodge. That thick, glutenous feeling that sticks to your palate (allowing more of the curiously savoury flavour to seep in by osmosis, like a nicotine patch) and fills the soul. Oh for suet, the Lord of all things.

Anyone who mocks British food simply hasn't sat down and lived with it for thirty years. Sure, America has the pizazz of squirty cheese and marshmallow fries but you can't live with them. They're one night stands.

We have the warm comfort of a sexless marriage on our plates.