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ok .. i talk
thinkin abt Pasts n the things that i have left and am leaving behind. mercury rx got me thinkin about reaching out to people i've blocked but i think it might be a bad idea. but i am extremely nostalgic for the shared memories
also thinkin abt letting people into my spam. so tht i can better hold the people i care abt close 2 me. the ppl in my spam r a strange mix of people cos i used to be so uncomfy with the perceived 'power imbalance' in my eyes of someone following ur spam but u don't follow theirs
but i think i need to let go of that lol. altho it does make me sad sumtimes. its like .. u like them more than they like u LOL. yea. i don't often think i'm a scorpio but i think subconsciously it is .. so hard 2 be friends with me
like .. i'd like to think that i am very open n trusting but i think evidence suggests that i am not. lol. and i am also very judgemental. i think .. idk if i am still as judgemental cos this year didn't present very many opportunities for me to be kinder to the people i meet.
i think about the people i've cut off sometimes n i feel bad about it. idk. we move on i guess. i don't know .. i think they might still be equally unpalatable tbh so i don't know if i want to reach out and apologise but tbh -
- even if they're unpalatable it doesn't mean they're not worthy of kindness. yea . i miss the friendships i had with some people. i think we had some good times. n it's so strange that friends drift. yeah. i wish i could go up to them n say hey i miss u. lets go for lunch.
technically i could do that. a levels i guess. n covid. um .. i wish i could be better friends with some people. i think it's kinda gross of me to want so much when i already have such good friends around me that i am very grateful for. like girl .. look around u.
idk . life is strange. i want to hold some people tight. but it's fine. it's ok . i miss my bros from alpha. it was like .. i know they care about me as much as i care about them . very secure. very lovely. i haven't seen them in so long ..
i miss da gals. i miss rachel. i love her so much. i hope she's doin ok
umm .. yeah . idk . i don't particularly want 2 be alive rn. i think i've gone back into the survival mode of being very numb to everything. which is not good. it's very bad. can't rly feel anything. i wish i could slap myself. i don't want to be alive
i don't want to make it out of this alive. i rly don't know if i can get 90rp but i need to make it happen. um. it's ok right . i think i can do it i think i have time . i think . idk . it's so hard. idk. i don't want to make it out of this alive
i act like everything's ending but there's so much ahead of me. idk. i want/need to get 90rp cos i wanna prove that i'm not stupid. like .. i'm not dumb. i want to be smart. (even though i don't feel very smart, i feel very slow). i want that stupid stupid label of being smart
mm .. sry . leo moon talking. at essence i am a very egoistical n narcissistic person. narcissists are very self aware. i'm a narcissist. it's horrible. anw. i want to prove tht i m smart but it's like i'm too lazy or undisciplined or smt. can't blame it on the brain. it's jus me
Um? idk man i kno it'll turn out ok but like um like like i want it to turn out GOOD. ok . ok .
i can't bring myself to make the same promise i did wrt promoting but here's my promise to myself which u will all bear witness to: if i don't get 90rp i will make myself bleed . up n down . i will carry the scars of my failure wit me n bear it. honestly this sounds a lil lax.
but i can't bring myself to say 'if i don't get 90rp i'll kill myself' cos ....... Sigh. i unfortunately have the good mind to know why that would be bad. so this is the compromise i have to make that i hope will push me closer towards it
end thread. this took far longer than i wouldve liked
