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ok .. i talk
thinkin abt Pasts n the things that i have left and am leaving behind. mercury rx got me thinkin about reaching out to people i& #39;ve blocked but i think it might be a bad idea. but i am extremely nostalgic for the shared memories
also thinkin abt letting people into my spam. so tht i can better hold the people i care abt close 2 me. the ppl in my spam r a strange mix of people cos i used to be so uncomfy with the perceived & #39;power imbalance& #39; in my eyes of someone following ur spam but u don& #39;t follow theirs
but i think i need to let go of that lol. altho it does make me sad sumtimes. its like .. u like them more than they like u LOL. yea. i don& #39;t often think i& #39;m a scorpio but i think subconsciously it is .. so hard 2 be friends with me
like .. i& #39;d like to think that i am very open n trusting but i think evidence suggests that i am not. lol. and i am also very judgemental. i think .. idk if i am still as judgemental cos this year didn& #39;t present very many opportunities for me to be kinder to the people i meet.
i think about the people i& #39;ve cut off sometimes n i feel bad about it. idk. we move on i guess. i don& #39;t know .. i think they might still be equally unpalatable tbh so i don& #39;t know if i want to reach out and apologise but tbh -
- even if they& #39;re unpalatable it doesn& #39;t mean they& #39;re not worthy of kindness. yea . i miss the friendships i had with some people. i think we had some good times. n it& #39;s so strange that friends drift. yeah. i wish i could go up to them n say hey i miss u. lets go for lunch.
technically i could do that. a levels i guess. n covid. um .. i wish i could be better friends with some people. i think it& #39;s kinda gross of me to want so much when i already have such good friends around me that i am very grateful for. like girl .. look around u.
idk . life is strange. i want to hold some people tight. but it& #39;s fine. it& #39;s ok . i miss my bros from alpha. it was like .. i know they care about me as much as i care about them . very secure. very lovely. i haven& #39;t seen them in so long ..
i miss da gals. i miss rachel. i love her so much. i hope she& #39;s doin ok
umm .. yeah . idk . i don& #39;t particularly want 2 be alive rn. i think i& #39;ve gone back into the survival mode of being very numb to everything. which is not good. it& #39;s very bad. can& #39;t rly feel anything. i wish i could slap myself. i don& #39;t want to be alive
i don& #39;t want to make it out of this alive. i rly don& #39;t know if i can get 90rp but i need to make it happen. um. it& #39;s ok right . i think i can do it i think i have time . i think . idk . it& #39;s so hard. idk. i don& #39;t want to make it out of this alive
i act like everything& #39;s ending but there& #39;s so much ahead of me. idk. i want/need to get 90rp cos i wanna prove that i& #39;m not stupid. like .. i& #39;m not dumb. i want to be smart. (even though i don& #39;t feel very smart, i feel very slow). i want that stupid stupid label of being smart
mm .. sry . leo moon talking. at essence i am a very egoistical n narcissistic person. narcissists are very self aware. i& #39;m a narcissist. it& #39;s horrible. anw. i want to prove tht i m smart but it& #39;s like i& #39;m too lazy or undisciplined or smt. can& #39;t blame it on the brain. it& #39;s jus me
Um? idk man i kno it& #39;ll turn out ok but like um like like i want it to turn out GOOD. ok . ok .
i can& #39;t bring myself to make the same promise i did wrt promoting but here& #39;s my promise to myself which u will all bear witness to: if i don& #39;t get 90rp i will make myself bleed . up n down . i will carry the scars of my failure wit me n bear it. honestly this sounds a lil lax.
but i can& #39;t bring myself to say & #39;if i don& #39;t get 90rp i& #39;ll kill myself& #39; cos ....... Sigh. i unfortunately have the good mind to know why that would be bad. so this is the compromise i have to make that i hope will push me closer towards it
end thread. this took far longer than i wouldve liked
