"Well, it's March of two-thousand and twenty, and the state has issued a 'stay at home order', whatever that means. Personally, I welcome the chance to kick back with ol' Rover here and talk to you, my invisible friends.

"Jane has embraced this new life, too. She calls is 'vintage living', and she and Ma are posting videos of themselves on the YouTube doing chores and making sour dough bread. [Rover groans] I agree, old boy -- enough with the sour dough bread!"

"Grandma pretty much just sits is in her room, listening to FOX News and her new celebrity crush, Ben Shapiro, while James and Grandpa have joined something called the 'Proud Boys'. I don't really understand it, but it's nice to see them bond over something...even if it is hate."

"Wow. It's already July. Where did the last four months go? What's that, Rover? 'Six in dog years'? [Rover stands, leaves room.] We're still quarantining here at home. The AC broke, but I refuse to let a repairman in for fear they'll infect us. Can't be too safe, you know!

"I've been laid off since May, so now it's up to the womenfolk to support this family. Jane has begun selling her old shoes to businessmen online. Ma has taken to photography -- she calls 'em 'selfies' -- and has started earning good money on something called 'hashtag-onlyfans'.

"I'm a little worried about James. He looks like he's aged 10 years. His skin is as grey and wrinkled as Grandma's. I blame his new hero, Joe Rogan. He's got James smoking cigars and pretending the bathtub is a sensory depravation chamber. Still, a boy needs a man to look up to."

"October has arrived like Grandma's hand -- cold and damp and full of questionable candies. That said, we're all still alive! [Rover barks.] You're right, Rover. I almost forgot about Grandpa. But the President said all the old folks would've probably died even without COVID...

"Since none of us are going to be allowed to attend the funeral, Grandma asked if she could keep Grandpa's body 'til the smell gets too strong. Thanks to our General Electric fans and subzero freezer, it's already been three weeks. Oh, boy -- what a time to be alive. And dead!

"Ma is hard at work in the basement, converting the ol' rumpus room into an underground bunker. What with BLM and Antifa selling nukes to the transgender Jews, we've got to have a safe place to hide during the upcoming Boogaloo apocalypse. 'Protect the children', I always say!

"Speaking of the children, Jane claims she's on a 'health kick', but Ma just thinks she's discovered orgasms. Female orgasms. Now I've heard everything! As for the boy...I dunno. I'm beginning to think this whole quarantine thing may not be doing his sanity any favors."

"It's December. The weather is bitter. I am bitter. The day after Thanksgiving, Ma packed up the kids and the laser disc player and left. She said that living in this house was not healthy for them and that I was a failure as a father and a husband.

"Soon after that, Grandma died. I hope she is with Grandpa now, happy and at peace. I really do.

"I just don't know if I can believe in a heaven if that also means believing in a God who would allow all of this.

"My hand fell off this morning. My hand fell off and I feel nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Noth--"

There's a great, big, beautiful tomorrow
Shining at the end of every day!
There's a great, big, beautiful tomorrow
Just a dream away!