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Really hate that my defense mechanism for when I do something embarrassing is just doubling down and roasting myself. Because that feels embarrassing also. It's like my brain is trying to compensate for looking dumb in front of ppl
And it tries to do that by going "you're laughing at me and so am I! Please don't think less of me for messing up!" Which feels.... Awful. And is probably awful to watch.
And I know it stems from me being a people pleaser, and for the longest time it felt like the only way I could make people happy or make them give a shit about me or see me as worthwhile was by being apathetic and self-deprecating.
So that's why it's my default fallback plan. I've tried to train it out of myself and at least I don't do it as often as I used to but man... It is /really/ hard sometimes. But like. Where's the happy medium? What does it even look like?
I want to be seen as cool and worthwhile! But I also just want to feel like I have permission to be myself. I am corny and sensitive as hell and I goof shit up all the time and I'd like to be okay with all of that.
Buh. I even feel like I'm supposed to do it now for making this thread.
*Yells into the void*
*Yells into the void*
