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It& #39;s late at night & I feel like talking. Earlier today I watched something that triggered some memories I had locked away regarding a previous relationship (my 1st real one to be honest). He was such a charmer, all the ppl liked him. But he could turn very easily with me
I remembered that when he drank, everyone loved him. He never upset anyone else. But he& #39;s get out of hand with me. He& #39;d start groping me in public and think it was charming or romantic. At first I laughed it off, try to change direction of the situation.
Then I& #39;d get angry and tell him to stop. He& #39;d sulk and the mood would shift immediately. Then when wed get home everything would shift. He would be angry and say venomous things, fly out of control. He once held me down & told me I was only good for sex...
He told me I was a terrible mother, that my child would be better off without me. That I was crazy & that he knew a guy who& #39;s break my legs for $400. At the time, I was so numb to this being extreme abuse and gaslighting.
I watched something today about DV & at the end of the program, they said "if you are experiencing any of this, contact lifeline". My partner WORKED at lifeline at the time.
These things aren& #39;t as easy to leave as ppl think they are. And you& #39;re left thinking nothing is left.
These things aren& #39;t as easy to leave as ppl think they are. And you& #39;re left thinking nothing is left.
You are less than nothing, destroyed. Slowly, you try to build urself up (often without accessing help). Eventually you begin a new r/ship, not realising you still have those remnants there. So you inadvertantly accept bad behaviour.
My next live in partner did some very similar things. He once held me down in shallow water because I wasn& #39;t being nice to him. He told my daughter she should eat off the floor like an animal. I left again, found the same new man, left again. Then I lived alone. Safer that way
It took me many years to learn, understand, find the triggers and talk about them. Find out about myself. I& #39;m still learning to not feel gaslighted - even by my own doing. That& #39;s how much this stuff lives inside you. 
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I know this is me dribbling words & I& #39;m sorry if it upsets people. I& #39;m good, you don& #39;t need to worry. I& #39;m stronger now, in the healthiest r/ship I& #39;ve ever been in, & I get to use my voice for meaningful work. I& #39;m proud of where I am because I know what got me here
Btw, sorry for any typos. And if anyone wants a trigger warning re DV, here it is.
