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random thread of thought:
i keep thinking about what my dad and i& #39;s dynamics would be if he were still alive: what could be things that we would talk about, or what would he say about the things i like, music, hobbies, etc., or what would he think about who i am right now.
1/n
1/n
and it sucks, you know? years of seeing me grow to become the man that i am now, death took those away from him, and years of having a father, having someone who could& #39;ve just really made things a little easier, death took those away from me too.
2/n
2/n
honestly, i don& #39;t even think "moving on" is something i& #39;ve already done. there is no moving on from that loss. there& #39;s just a void somewhere in our family, somewhere within me, and it will stay that way for a lifetime, i suppose.
3/n
3/n
i& #39;ve done a lot without him. i won a category in dspc, i wrote my first ever big production theatre play, i graduated highschool, i entered the university, i worked at a media company. and i will do so much more without him: probably graduate, perhaps get married, have kids,
4/n
4/n
get a masters degree, a phd, become a doctor, an astronaut, just an entire future without papam. my family will somehow always be a puzzle piece less, and it& #39;s just gone, never to be found nor replaced again.
5/n
5/n
nevertheless, i& #39;m proud of my family for getting through, and still going through all this hell. i& #39;m proud of us- for going this far, for surviving, for thriving, for waking up and actually getting up, for everything. and i& #39;m so thankful for them.
6/n
6/n
there& #39;s no proper resolution to this thread really. i had a great day today, and somehow, these rather dark thoughts came for a visit.
loss is a bitch, and no, it& #39;s not okay, it will never be "okay," and, well, that& #39;s okay. you will learn to live with this consciousness-
7/n
loss is a bitch, and no, it& #39;s not okay, it will never be "okay," and, well, that& #39;s okay. you will learn to live with this consciousness-
7/n
you will try to be okay, whatever that means for you. you will never bring them back, but you know, they were once here, and they mattered- they still matter to you, and in some way, that& #39;s good enough to keep going.
keep going.
8/8
keep going.
8/8
