Some important questions for a Saturday morning:

- IS there a review site for landlords? Like Glassdoor, but for landlords?

- IS there a reality TV show called Britain’s Worst Landlords?

- IS there a special place in hell for landlords?

Woke up this morning, went into the bathroom (in my underwear by the way) and a man’s standing outside the window with some kind of implement in his hand. “What the fuck are you doing?” I said. “Valerie sent us,” he said. Valerie is the landlord.

She’s the weirdest, most threatening landlord I’ve ever encountered. When I say something’s broken (happens a lot on old boats) she tells me I’m making it up. “That can’t be true,” she says. “It is true,” I say. “Here’s a video/photo.”

Valerie is a celebrity hypnotherapist, and has been on some channel 5 shows. She’s also friends with Donald Trump. She sends men round all the time with no warning. She also boasts “extreme amnesia.” What’s baffling is that she hasn’t hypnotised me to put up with her fucking shit