"It's only Brenda! Hi Brenda! Kids alright?"

GOOD MORNING AND WELCOME TO 3-2-1

Scattered throughout 1980s TV are eerie hints at the grimness beneath the lustre. Today it comes in the form of a solid gag from Ted. "We've got a party in from British Rail, give us a wave..."

"... you know I'd travel by train a lot more often if I knew there wasn't a chance I might bump into Jimmy Savile!"

In the palm of your hand, Ted. Don't lose them

(Sir Jingle Jangle was famed at the time for being the face of, inter alia (interrailia) British Rail and the magnificent INTERCITY 125)

I know I said the other week I wouldn't drift into Bond reverie despite Caroline Munro wheeling on the prizes, but is it just me who thinks Chris Walken used Sir James as the inspiration for Max Zorin in View To A Kill?

What's the theme this week, Dusty? Oh. The... French foreign legion? Bold.

Fear not. Here to hold this episode together is SIR FRANCIS OF HOWERD who takes but a few moments to smash the fourth wall and complain about how a superstar has been reduced to doing this muck at Yorkshire TV

Frankie's shtick is probably the first postmodern TV variety act I can recall, though some of you may know better. Forever breaking character to address the audience about how crap it all was.

Actually Morecambe and Wise did that a lot didn't they? And Kenny Williams in Round The Horne, lamenting a five-minute aside about how nobody loved him and he got all the rubbish jokes

Edwin Braben ("that great hairy fool") being the common link there

Anyway. No Eddie on the 3-2-1 writing team, nor Eric Sykes, who scripted each and every one of Frankie's oohs and ahhs and no Mrses, playing him like a pipe organ, but some decent jokes. "I'm not a lord, I'm a viscount" - "yes, I'd heard that rumour" etc

"when you said the legion I thought you meant the British legion, I was looking forward to a game of darts..."
*tittering*
"I CAN WAIT"
*big laugh*

Anyway let's not dwell on the plot but there's a series of comedy sketches linked to the story about valet Francis accompanying the viscount to the Sahara. CLUE TIME. What the hell is this?

Oh, a singular binocular. Chris Beeney (of In Loving Memory fame, a sitcom about an undertaker) has the rhyme

"AS WE COULD BE A LONG WAY OFF
CAN WE MAKE THE TRIP SOUND PLEASANT
WE COULD SING A NAUTICAL ROUND
IF THE MELODY IS PRESENT"

BIN oculars?
BIN oculaculars?
You can stick them UP ON YOUR TRIPOD

Which couple do you want to win? Folk singer and Peter Sutcliffe photofit? Wendolene and bus driver? Wincey Willis and Mike Morris?

It's WENDOLENE (and husband)

People looked different in the 80s didn't they

CLUE 2. it's 3-2-1 regular Chris Emmett with... What the hell is this?

An old white crumbly dog turd from the 1980s? A chunk of parmesan cheese?

It's a STONE and the rhyme is

WE MAY NOT LET THEM OUT
NOW THE LEGIONNAIRES ARE IN
WITH THIS YOU COULD BE BOTH
IF YOU THROW SOME YOU WON'T WIN

CLUE 3 is brought in by 3-2-1 stalwart Mike Newman, who, yes, there's a bit of bisto involved

He's brought, what the hell is that?

It's a BULLET

THIS COULD BE IN A GLASS BOTTLE
OR PERHAPS IN A MERRY GO ROUND
IT COULD BE IN SOMEONE SAWING WOOD
OR IN CROSSING THE DESERT BE FOUND