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sorry for ranting earlier i just needed to get that out of my brain... the last two days have been so hard for me to just function as a normal human instead of a robot. forming sentences to speak out loud is getting to be really hard again and it feels like ive just gone back to
when i had absolutely no friends after i quit cosplaying and suddenly everyone just left and my contact from them was cut as if by a large pair of scissors.
i think this may be a toxic mindset but i often daydream about what my life would be like if i could carry friendships in a healthy manner and if i kept going in the cosplay community and kept toxic friends. would i have been happier? would i have been more satisfied?
i want to see what would have happened. maybe i wouldve been out of this house. maybe i wouldve learned japanese. done something that i crave so badly then but feels so impossible now. i like being friendless as i have time to be my true self but i cant help but think
that because i am friendless, i wont experience the happiness i as a human being is supposed to experience. maybe... being friendless gives me time to reach goals but i’m scared to live my life as a goal machine past this pandemic.
when the world reopens and magically one day this disease is gone.. everyone will cling to their group of friends and celebrate and go to dinner parties and concerts; i will be at home either drawing another fruitless project or laying in bed crying because of something trivial.
i want to meet friends that obsess over the same stuff i do such as school days, key visual novels, horror vocaloid, gyaru, and nana mizuki but its not 2010 anymore so no one knows what im talking about. i just talk into the void as people nod and smile but i want to have
a full discussion. or even just an intentive listener about the stuff i like. but i feel like bc most people dont know wtf im on about they just dont care. which is valid in every right but... im so sick of being alone in the things i love. i take up things im slightly
less interested in to mask the things i truly love so i dont feel so alone. i dont know what this thread has become but. i know nothing will become of this except maybe losing more friends. im just so hurt and tired of this existence.
whatever im just going to post this, mute this app, and listen to shinsei kamattechan. thank you for reading if you did
