I grew up going to church but I didn't really know God for myself. I thought I could love God & do things my way. I abused alcohol, partied a lot, flirted recklessly, put myself in compromising situations. My friends only cared about fun. I started getting sick with odd symptoms.

I went from working full time, out every weekend with friends, living for me to stuck at home in bed in severe pain. I put on weight. Had regular panic attacks. Horrible insomnia. Developed tremors. Brain fog. Had to give up my drivers licence. My doctor was no help.

He blamed my depression for my symptoms. He made me feel crazy. My mom pushed for my tests. I sunk deeper into depression and further from Jesus. I got to the point of having to quit my job, quit school, had no social life. Didn't leave the house for weeks at a time.

My depression got so severe I thought suicide was the only way out. My physical pain was so constant and severe. There was no escape. My doctors just kept prescribing drugs. Anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, sleeping pills, narcotics, pain killers. I was in a fog. I felt empty.

I decided that if I had to live this way forever, I'd rather take my own life than continue on. I hadn't told anyone about my suicidal thoughts. Not even my counselor. I had an MRI scheduled but there was a SIX month wait. I heard that and was ready to give up. I couldn't wait.

6 more months felt impossible. I screamed and cried out to God that night. Flipped around my Bible and ended up chucking it across the room. I told God, "I'm done!!! I can't do this anymore. I won't do it. You need to show up for me. I can't do this." I was SO angry. So done.

I woke up the next day, puffy eyed, and noticed a leaf on my pillow that I had in my bible at psalm 23...

"

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,* I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows...

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

I stubbornly didn't even allow myself to feel the weight on this Scripture. I was so hurt. So angry.

Later that day I was heading out the door to an appt..

And the phone rang as I was stepping out the door. I felt an urgent need to pick it up. I went back inside and picked it up.

It was the hospital calling.
To confirm my MRI appointment for Saturday.
THREE DAYS FROM THEN.

I was in shock. Literal shock I think. I asked why and she

She said the Drs decided that morning to work through the weekend and get through their back log of patients. It was a decision made that very morning. Right after I told God I wanted to take my life if I had to live through 6 more months of this.

Wow. Our God is THAT big.

My life didn't suddenly get magically "better" after that but I knew that GOD LOVED ME. He saw me in my pain. He felt it. He wanted to love me through it and surrender to Him.

After another couple years he healed me of depression. I still struggle with anxiety. But God has given

Me so much peace. More joy than I've ever known.

The only life worth living is the one lived in obedience to Him. You can't follow Him and still do it your own way.

He had the remove the things I put my worth in to teach me that my worth was in Him all along. He was the answer.

I still struggle with my health. We still painfully dont have concrete answers to my chronic health issues. It's a daily battles. It's one full of physical and emotional pain, tears, feeling burdensome, and often frustrated at God and confused by what He's doing.

But I know that my God is INTENTIONAL and He has purpose in everything.

I would not know God so deeply if I hadn't been through the pain of wanting to take my own life. If I hadn't walked through years of physical pain and suffering. I got to know Him so intimately.

He became my rock.

Let your trials lead you closer to Jesus.
Let Him heal your heart and your pain.
Surrender to Him. Give up your old ways and walk into His ways that are SATISFYING and fulfilling like nothing else could ever be.

Jesus is the answer. He loves you SO DEEPLY.

Also and a health update:

I did have a break of almost two years where my symptoms cleared up! It seemed miraculous. I was back to work and everything.

But now I've had a flare up and been struggling again for the past year. We have some new doctors and specialists that we're

Praying will help us get to the bottom of these chronic health issues! I'd so appreciate your prayers for their wisdom in this. And for someone to CARE enough to take the time with my case as I seem to be a medical mystery. The tests always show things abnormal and not right but

Never give us a definitive answer. I've been dealing with this for 10 years now and I am TIRED.