We talk a lot about ADHD, but we mostly speak of its effects on attention and the rare gift of hyperfocus. What we leave out is the emotional dysregulation it causes. Having been criticized by everyone my entire life, I internalized blaming myself, even for what other people did.

As a coping mechanism, I've always tried desperately to fit in and act like the people around me, worried that I'd lose friends or make enemies if I didn't. It became so natural to me that I barely even know who I am anymore. And yet, it never worked anyway.

I would try so hard to do what other people wanted, that I set aside the things *I* wanted to do, hoping in vain it would stop the pain: but it never did. The latest example was trying to emulate the N64. I have no interest in that system, I never did.

Some of this was legitimately my fault: it was easy to get carried away and push too passionately for whatever it was that actually interested me. I would get way too worked up over file formats or whatever have you. I'm not saying I don't have myself to work on here, however ...

What I've come to understand is RSD isn't caused by having ADHD: it's caused by how we are treated. Do this to a neurotypical person and you'd get the same result. I can't tell you why, and I can't say it'll keep working, but *for me*, *for now*, an alpha-agonist changed my life.

The thing about people who hurt others is that they were hurt too. They internalized their experiences and project that onto others. It spreads like a disease. The people doing this also have ASD/ADHD. That's not projecting, I found it for myself first-hand in speaking with them.

The thing about staring into abysses is it becomes a real possibility you may get lost in it yourself. We're responsible for our own actions even if we had a tragic past. To deny that is to reject free will. If you want to act like a shitty person, then that's just what you are.

I'm well aware no one wants a re-translation of a game that's been available in high quality in English for 20 years already. I put off doing this for far too long to put others first, but I don't care anymore. I finished the emulator I wanted with bsnes v115. Now I want this.

I'm going to finish what I set out to do from the very beginning. I'm not going to spend my forties filled with regrets. When it's finished, I'm moving on from "byuu". I'll keep in contact with friends this time, but frankly *fuck* having a following online. It's not worth it.

I never asked for that, but a lifetime combination of intense passion and people-pleasing resulted in that outcome. Most of you will never understand what it's like, the grass is always greener, but I can tell you firsthand, it's a nightmare. Through and through. I *hate* it.

When you're no one, you can be honest, you can speak your mind. People will take you at your word, and a bad day will be just that. When you're well known, people project their image of you on top of you, and you won't convince them otherwise. A bad day will follow you for life.

I can't tell you how utterly surreal it is to find people I've never heard of, let alone spoken to, who have just the most intensely passionate opinions about me, that aren't anything like who I actually am. It's creepy, and I find it deeply unsettling. I won't miss that one bit.

I know this goes without saying, and I know hearing it doesn't make it any easier to do, but seriously: don't read what other people are saying about you. It's self harm. No, you're not above it. No, you're not the gifted exception that can separate bad faith from good advice.

It will fucking eat you alive if you let it. It will destroy your self-worth and leave you shaking uncontrollably in bed at night. Stay the fuck away from it.

When you try so hard to be who others want you to be, when those others dislike the things that make you you, is it really any surprise then that the result is you stop liking yourself? Just like they did? Do you want to become just like those people who hurt you?