Forever and always wishing people talked about transformative justice in pedagogy, especially the daily practices, the generative conflict & accountability muscles we should be building yesterday, today, tomorrow.

Mia Mingus: "I think a lot of harm that happens, it's like death by a thousand cuts, little cuts. And we often don't pay attention until there's so many little cuts that we're bleeding out." https://vimeo.com/467755005 

"And then we rush to the crisis, to the emergency, and we drop everything, but what if we started rushing and dropping everything when the little cuts happen, when there's maybe just four or five little cuts, instead of when we're bleeding out."

as someone who self harmed for almost 10 years (& had 2 relapses this year after almost 3 yrs), this metaphor is very interesting. how to respond even before the first "little cut" happens, tbh. or self harm as trying to enacting this metaphor concretely.

but how funny is it that they point is that no one reacts to the little cuts, even when there are a million? how funny that you must be bleeding out.

Priya Rai: "The everyday building blocks of transformative justice are things like: how do I give a good apology? how do I have hard conversations w/ people in my life? how do I try to be intentional about the way I interact w/ the people in my life in the tiniest ways everyday,

bc that is how the big things become possible later. So really focusing on our small moments, our one thousand tiny moments, all the time, I think is so foundational."

These new videos by BCRW are great. Sonya Shah: "Accountability is a fierce, radical, amazing way to choose to stay in relationship to each other, while acknowledging that harm can happen, & actually, that we're all going to hurt each other at some point. https://vimeo.com/467759814 

"It's this radical way of saying "I choose you, I choose relationship, I choose community, I'm going to stay in community with you. There's no through away, we can't throw each other away, and, that we're gonna harm each other, it's gonna happen."

Martina Kartman:

"There's the self accountability we do, right, so that requires that we be clear about what our values are and conscious of our actions, and requires that individuals have a practice of checking whether or not their actions are in alignment w/ their values."

"It means doing the hard work of understanding when we cause harm what that harm was, what the impact was, and requires that individuals actually in a real question about w h y that happened--so if somebody caused harm, it means that you're asking yourself, like, the mini whys."

"Not just "why did that happen that day" but what's going on w/ me that allowed for this kind of violence, this kind of harm to come from me. That might mean actually doing our own healing work, might mean actually understanding our own trauma & being able to demonstrate insight"

Recently I've been trying to strengthen accountability in/with the people around me. One of my friends who still vaguely interacts with the boy who harmed me had been talking about how to increase accountability in their friend group and I feel grateful. She is unbelievably kind.

It hurts that the boy gets "to have" our old friend group (his brother & their parents' house is, like, the locus of that community) and I don't, but I feel grateful this friend cares about pushing herself to have hard conversations w/ the boy's brother (who she is much closer to

than the boy--the boy is really only there bc of his brother, and the only access point of accessibility, only person close enough to the boy, is the brother, who is not doing the accountability I had hoped he'd do when I reached out to him 3 yrs ago).

These matrices of harm and accountability are complex, but I'm grateful to have a friend who wants to ask herself how she can hold the brother more accountable, which might have a ripple effect on the boy. This is all we can do right now, I think.

Yes, the boy is "accountable" in the way he is letting me live here for free, but that is not the same accountability as dealing with his shame and being different. But it is what it is at the moment, and better than someone who won't even be materially accountable.

But also, living here is so hard. It feels like I never stop talking abt it on the internet, but it is so hard. I just saw a (really great, helpful) thread on OCD & intrusive thoughts. The boy has OCD (& also possibly OCPD) exactly like in this thread--intrusive, violent thoughts

as well as issues w/ fear that the thoughts mean he's a bad person, etc. But like, it's so hard to read bc, in part, his inability to deal with that fear caused him to feed into it & act violently towards me. I have empathy for his intrusive thoughts--

I don't think he would ever stab his mother in the kitchen (a thought he talks abt often). I don't think he is "bad." But harm is complex. He has harmed, he can harm. And OCD guilt & shame almost certainly contributed to lack of accountability.

What's the most distressing is that I read this great thread and my first thought is that I want to send it to him because maybe it will be useful to him. But that also makes me want to cry bc so much of the reason I could leave him was bc I couldn't stop trying to help him.

I'm just tired. Accountability and transformative justice is my life, but sometimes I'm just really tired. I wish I lived by myself or with other people who believed in transformative justice and in constant reflection on the tiny cuts, the tiny moments, the tiny whys.