Can we normalize female game developers being allowed to exist and spared the commentary even if (the proverbial) you don’t find us attractive?

A thread. 1/

I’ve spent my entire career petrified of my physical representation online. I have canceled speaking arrangements, not gone to trade shows... all because when I do, if I look less than ideal, I get lambasted. Wanna know why I didn’t go to Celebration last year? That. 2/

People in the Warhammer Online community would describe in detail how unfuckable I was. They’d photoshop pizzas into my extended hands if I was gesticulating wildly. There were more than a few comparisons to Sarah Palin which is insulting on all levels (EXCEPT appearance). 3/

One of the top video results for me (which my mom found) is criticizing something I said at PAX. Which was criticizable and an honest mistake and I’ll take that I messed up! But I was talking about this very topic and well: I haven’t gone to PAX since. 4/

I’m not a celebrity and I avoid being photographed so those few things last FOREVER. And PS, I’m a LOT dumber and uglier now. (Not fishing, it is a fact that I looked better in my 20’s.) I hate to give the trolls credit but it has done real and lasting damage to my self worth. 5/

Anyway the images I post are carefully curated. Of course they are, I like when I think I look good (for my own happiness, I’m not asking for compliments either) But I don’t always. It’s how I can look like both of these people at the exact same time. (I am shaking right now.) 6/

But it also means I’ve held back from doing things I want to do. I saw a recent video of me and thought I looked so bad that I wanted to be removed. But I’m proud of what I have to say and contribute. I shouldn’t have to be afraid of criticism of my appearance. Words, yes. 7/

And I’m cis and white and (mostly) happy with my appearance except the weight. It is more true for people who are trans, disabled, fat anything that “you” might not understand or personally be attracted to. 8/

This is true for all of us with any kind of public presence. But in video games, especially since I started when there were fewer women, and with the passions that surround it, I have felt exposed to a lot of negative for the relatively little positive. And I have not healed. 9/

Anyway, this thread is my defense mechanism, I am not going to stop being worried what people think about me. It’s not possible for me, but I am not going to let it stop me from doing what I want to do anymore. And if you don’t think I look good... tough. 10/10