So hey! Hi! About to be very vulnerable for a bit here. I’ve spent the week debating saying anything at all about this but the more I think on it, the more I want to.

Last week, got my Gardasil & routine STI screening. Late Monday, got this note from my doctor.

To say this was out of left field would be an understatement. To say I’ve had all the big, complicated, messy, conflicting feels this week would also be an understatement. It’s been a whole lot.

But above it all, & one of the biggest reasons I’m tweeting this out here, is I have felt SO. ANGRY.

Angry that my first response was dismissal, justifying my sexual behaviors as “good” & so that couldn’t be me, that has to be wrong, I’m Not Like That. In other words: a whole lot of internalized stigma.

Angry that I’ve spent the last four years working in sexual health, & the last decades plus diligently unlearning this stigma, & yet it’s the first thing to surface when I got this news.

Shame at the test result. Shame at my self-judgment. Anger at the shame. Anger at the family & fundygelical & cultural messages that have been so thoroughly absorbed into my sense of self.

I told a few close, trusted friends about it & was astonished - & then angry all over again - when several of them revealed their own STI experiences to me. I want to be really really careful how I frame this, bc no one is obligated to disclose & I don’t want to out them, either.

But I do intentionally bring it up to point back to the anger here: these are people whom I’ve known & trusted sometimes for decades & I had no idea what they were going through. Bc they were trapped in their own internalized stigma.

If one of these close friends had a stomach bug or the flu or hell what about COVID? I’d be over there in a heartbeat to offer support & some sort of comforting, nourishing gifts. Judgment would be the farthest thing from my mind.

And yet, because there is so much stigma around sexually transmitted infections, they kept silent. As I felt I should keep silent. (Even the fact that it’s easier to say “STI” instead of writing it out...character limits aside, that’s not the only reason.)

I went back for followup bloodwork first thing Tuesday morning & am still waiting on results. I’m completely asymptomatic & glad I even asked to get tested, as I had only been with one new partner since my last test & that was in February.

(Cue more anger: what dumb, shitty, & so very 2020 bad luck! And anger that STI testing isn’t truly routine & that my doctor was surprised when I asked for it, given my minimal sexual activity! SO MUCH ANGER!)

As I’ve mulled over this thread, I’ve asked myself again & again: what do I want to share? Do I want to put this on my private account? Lock down my own account? Change my profile pic to not be my face? What if my boss sees? Do I put a trigger/content warning? Is this just TMI?

Again & again my answers came back as: fuck stigma. Even regarding a CW, I decided no. Because if I was tweeting about how I got the flu or strep or whatever I wouldn’t use one.

So there it is. I might have syphilis. I got it from being human, allowing myself to desire pleasure, & by satisfying that desire with some really gratifying sex.

I’m not going to tweet about the “protections” we did or didn’t take. I’m not going to tweet about how I met this person, how long or short I have known them. Because all of those are entirely beside the point.

Being human is messy & vulnerable & our bodies are messy & vulnerable & shit happens. We take care of ourselves as best we can, & that’s all we can do.

And for that matter, acknowledging our need for sex & connection *is* important self care, too.

I’ll keep ya posted when I get my test results back. I’ve already spoken to anyone who could be impacted by this to make sure they can take care of themselves to the best of their abilities, too.

In conclusion: fuck shame, fuck stigma, get yourselves tested regularly whether or not you think you “need” it, make informed, clearly discussed decisions about risk with your partners, & above all be good to yourselves.