I've noticed this thing that happens in political fights between friends and family. When things look like they might get heated, one person interjects with, "I love you."

This is a control tactic I recognize from my work on intimate partner violence. A thread.

Weaponizing love is always, always, ALWAYS a red flag. In an abusive relationship, it usually takes the same form:

"You have to ignore that I'm hurting you because I love you."

Do abusers come out and say it that explicitly? No. Of course not. But that's the underlying message when violence is followed up with, "I just love you so much."

And it's effective.

It reminds the victim of what they have to lose if the relationship dissolves. It compels them to treat their abuser with the kind of grace and forgiveness they think belongs in a loving relationship. Worst of all, it redefines "love" as abuse, normalizing the violence.

The dynamic in political fights isn't all that different. For one, the underlying message is still the same:

"I'm about to hurt you, but you have to excuse it because I love you."

That harm can be the heated argument itself, but more commonly, it's about the vote. It's someone deflecting from the fact that their vote (for Trump) is going to hurt the other person in material ways that the other person just laid out really, really clearly.

For example, I see this dynamic a lot when LGBTQ+ folks confront a conservative family member about the Supreme Court Justices who recently said they intend to overturn the ruling that gave them the right to marry who they love.

Or when they mention that hate crimes have been on the rise since Trump took office. Or that Trump refused to condemn a certain white "western chauvinist" hate group that targets people of color, women, and queer people with violence.

And the response is, "I love you, but I'm still voting Trump."

That "I love you" is meant to obscure the harm done. It also sets standards for how the truly harmed person can react. They now are supposed to be kind, forgiving, and civil. They are to respect the person harming them, even though that respect is not reciprocated.

They are supposed to act as if the other person's vote doesn't hurt them or their relationship--mostly for the comfort of the Trump voter. But of course it hurts. Now they're just shouldering that harm on their own.

This is the reason these two people can sit together and have a pleasant conversation over the dinner table at a family holiday. They "love" each other. All harms must be pushed to the side for the sake of protecting that love.

But, again, even that meal is hurting one person.

Trump voters know about this tactic. It's why my neighborhood is covered in flags that say, "TRUMP 2020 - FUCK YOUR FEELINGS."

Frankly, some rejoice in winning this power struggle. They love having this control in their relationships.

I hope there are two takeaways from this thread. First, if you use "I love you" in the middle of political debates, it's time to stop.

Second, if someone is doing this to you, you don't have to accept it just because it's politics and "everyone is entitled to their own opinion." Abuse is abuse. Harm is harm. No exceptions.

Will you get criticized for being "intolerant"? Will you be the one accused of "ruining the relationship" over politics?

Yeah, you might be. But that's not what happened. It's just another coercive tactic to get you to stay in the relationship.

There is a pressure to excuse really, really bad behavior in political debates because "it's politics."

But we don't have to. And we shouldn't.