Thread by @bekhenson, I was adopted by people who thought this way. I live 4 [...]

I was adopted by people who thought this way. I live 4 states and a 6-hour drive away now.

#AdopteeRealTalk #AdopteeVoices https://twitter.com/eleighdo/status/1316790604689416193

https://twitter.com/eleighdo/status/1316790604689416193

I've also encountered and addressed this same belief in all kinds of venues online and IRL many, many times in my years as an adoptee self- and community advocate. A few things that concern me about this particular example:

1) What it leaves out—that it's not uncommon for the child you adopt to also desire staying connected with their original family and relatives throughout their lives, or to reestablish connection if it's been completely cut off.

2) "I wanted to be the one to decide when *AND IF* that happened." Asserting such possession over a child by seeking to control whether they can ever be connected to their own relatives is cruel, distressing, & strips that child of their sense of certainty & autonomy.

That's not just my opinion as someone who's adopted—it's direct truth from people who grew up in open adoptions, captured in this 21-year-long study of open adoption experiences through the eyes of those living it. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1606/1044-3894.4198?casa_token=RC3qCdleCGgAAAAA:SdWosyOdvLqvYzlf7E31pvCsCKm_Sd1veWtyxAgL81Gz68HDihjktlFQryggVujYkLa1sl6XbxselA

Growing up in Open Adoption: Young Adults' Perspectives - Deborah H. Siegel, 2012

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1606/1044-3894.4198?casa_token=RC3qCdleCGgAAAAA:SdWosyOdvLqvYzlf7E31pvCsCKm_Sd1veWtyxAgL81Gz68HDihjktlFQryggVujYkLa1sl6XbxselA

"The more I know, the more secure I feel about myself. Contact gave me a more solid foundation."

“I would have been worse off with less information.”

“I think open adoption enables people to know themselves better and be better people for it.” #AdopteeVoices

“Trust that secrets and cut offs are more damaging than the truth. Truth may be disconcerting and painful, but it’s also empowering. The truth can be processed.”

“Even if I found out that my birth mother wasn’t
a nice person, I’d still rather know than not know.” #AdopteeVoices

“The relationship with my birth family has given my adoptive family more family, enriched our lives.“

“It’s good to know where I came from.”

“It’s about expanded love and family connections. You don’t have a limited amount of love to give.” #AdopteeVoices

Children are not your possessions to own. Outright denying the child you adopted access to their own relatives also denies them specific knowledge of themselves, security in their identity, self-empowerment, and denies all of you expanded love & a bigger, deeper sense of family.

3) Prioritizing one adult's wants over everyone else's needs.

In case you didn't already know, adoptive parents and people wanting to adopt are not the central figures of adoption. Adoption encompasses a child and two whole families.

Two families that also include grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, siblings in one or both. All of these people matter. All of these relationships matter. Joining forces benefits the most vulnerable person the whole arrangement is centered around—the actual child.

Your adopted child having their relatives present in their life shouldn't be feared as a threat or fought as a competition. When that happens, it's the child you thought you were protecting who gets crushed under the weight of the emotional fallout.

I‘ll close this thread out by quoting the adoptee voices summarized in the open adoption study‘s conclusion:

“Listen to us. Do not decide for us. Be there to guide and
support us as we find our own way...Do not cut us off forever from our birth families.

“Do not make us wait until age 18 to find out who we are, where we came from, or to get answers to our questions.“

#AdopteeVoices #AdopteeRealTalk

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