I have my emotional comfort beer. The kids are content with playpen and Dinosaur Train. Husband is getting a ride home from work. Is there literally anything else better to do with my time? Absolutely. Here we go.

Livetweeting #Dracula the Un-Dead by Dacre Stoker and Ian Holt.

Just how many fucking chapters are there?!???!????

The prologue is a letter from Mina to her son Quincey, and as you can see the book makes no hesitation to imply that Quincey is actually Dracula's son, not Jonathan's, meaning that Mina was pregnant for *checks notes* 13 whole ass months.

Apparently the events of Dracula take place in 1888, which isn't as infuriating as it taking place in 1897 so I will give points for that.

It's

PRINCE Dracula

not Count Dracula

A'right...

Blahblahblah summary of past events blahblah

OH!

Hey, no, Dracula COULD walk in the sun just fine, he just couldn't transform. Jonathan literally sees him in broad fucking daylight in London and proceeds to nope out of reality.

The sunlight weakness comes from the 1922 Nosferatu silent film and it just stuck since, but it was not part of the OG Dracula novel.

blahblah more summary blah blah, not terrible except for the whole "Dracula is destroyed by sunlight thing", stop.

Yeeeeah, the "d" does it to best of us sometimes.

"D"... for DRACULA

*fingerguns*

So the letter ends with Mina all like "stand and fight him and find the hero in you" and so this sequel from an edgy shounen anime begins.

Yes, let's push fixing our mistakes onto our children, this will end well.

Honestly, the board game “Fury of Dracula” which is also a sequel, handles this very premise so much better.

So now we get into Chapter 1: Oceans of Love, Lucy.

Jack is in Paris and he's being sad about Lucy. I'm not going to knock too hard on that, grief is a bitch, and doesn't magically go away especially after, you know, you had to cut off her vampire head and all.

Wait, wait, Jack was... jacked?????

Apparently, Jack is a morphine addict... which... why??? Why do so many insist that Jack was a drug addict? In the novel, he takes chloral hydrate for insomnia which *can* be addictive but apparently that's enough to make everyone yell about him being a drug abuser.

tw for violence against women
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.
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Can men just... NOT?

Jack is obsessed with finding Jack the Ripper even though the guy wasn't active after 1888... unless it's 1888 now? But it's 1912??? Why is this reading like a badfic I would've written back when I was 17 where I threw in everything that sounded cool without a lick of research?

Jack is having issues finding important paperwork. Relatable.

Look it me

Second beer.

"Seward could not bear the thought of disappointing the only person who still believed in him."

This shitty book needs to stop calling me out like this.

Okay so like Jack is very insecure about disappointing the Harkers and Arthur. I get that, truly. But not because he's an addict or waffling around in Paris atm... but because he's a conspiracy theorist???

Dude, they all had to deal with Van Helsing, you're FINE.

This entire page is a shitshow... also that knife... you should wash it.

Jack runs out of his flat or hotel room or wherever he's at to literally jump on a train to Marseilles to meet that person he doesn't want to disappoint the most. The conductor searches Jack's bag because he doesn't believe he's a doctor and finds morphine.

Jack has to reveal his medical license and he can't find it, either. Jack, get your shit together, I say only because I tell myself this every day.

This conductor straight up "Thank you Next"'d him. "You're too boring to not be a doctor."

Jack has a flashback about Lucy because she gave him a pocketwatch inscribed with "Oceans of Love", and that's when she breaks the news to him that she's going to marry Arthur instead. It's actually kind of bittersweet, so I don't mind it.

This is the second time when Quincey is brought up, it's "Quincey P. Morris" like I get you are trying to distinguish from Quincey Harker who hasn't even shown up yet, but I feel like I need to take a shot every time Quincey is referred to this way.

Jack has arrived and he's lamenting about his time with Quincey Morris so it kinda makes you wonder whom he is really being all sad about.

Jack, you sad bi.

Jack is supposed to go this villa, but then a coach drawn by black horses and no driver shows up

It's Elizabeth Bathory! Dressed as a man!

No complaints here.

And with that, the chapter ends.

Unfortunately, I cannot forgo all of my adult responsibilities just yet so I will back for chapter 2 and my third beer here in a bit after giving my daughter a bath and getting some dinner.

Impression so far: tbh if this book was only about Jack doing vampire hunter things and dealing with his issues, I would probably enjoy it. But like I said, I already read the synopsis so... this won't last.

Also I want to add that I don't mind reimaginings of Dracula and really like them most of the time, especially if Easter eggs from the OG novel are sprinkled in. My own version really goes off the rails from page 1.

My issues have always been *character assassination* ESPECIALLY when it comes to Jonathan and Lucy. Idc if Dracula drinks Cola and Santa Claus is involved, just keep the Crew of Light the found family they're supposed to be, stop punishing Lucy, and let Jonathan love his wife.

Okay, we are back for a bit, it's going to take FOREVER for the water for the pasta to boil so time for CHAPTER 2!!

(no more beer until the kids are in bed tho I don't wanna be tipsy while they are awake, always drink responsibly)

Chapter 2.

Which is titleless, apparently.

Still at the abandoned villa. Elizabeth Bathory is standing there being all sexy and stuff while lightning flashes all around her, and Jack can't stop gaping and I can't fault him at all.

Jack faceplanting into the mud in order to avoid being detected by this gorgeous vampire woman is 1000% loving woman energy.

I want to give this man the world.

Jack starts climbing a tree to get onto the roof, and is insecure that Elizabeth is actually watching and laughing at him, and tbh, I would feel the same.

He peeks into an empty ballroom and there's two chicks wearing sheer white gowns making them look like ghosts but no Betty.

Elizabeth dramatically enters and

Hi, I'm gay.

Bathory greets the women and "kissed each... on the lips passionately", and turns out the women had kidnapped this human chick via trunk and then, yeah, I'm still gay.

Breaking News: Local Man Angry That Women Find Other Women Attractive and It Ain't Got Shit to do With Him.

Why do I have the feeling that this is the part where the eyerolling begins and doesn't stop for the rest of the book??

Elizabeth cuts off the kidnapped woman's dress with the surgical lancet like a wardrobe malfunction out of an ecchi anime.

Then Elizabeth kills the woman by like whipping her to death. The whole virgin blood thing. And there's like nothing Jack can do about it. So apparently, he's here to kill Elizabeth and her wives (I guess) as directed by "The Benefactor" who hasn't been named yet.

Jack feels guilty that he can't do anything to help the girl and it brings about painful memories of having to kill vampire Lucy and --

FUCKING REALLY????

WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK JACK??

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE GOOD THING I ENJOYED IN THIS HELLSCAPE OF A NOVEL

That is just... so fucked up.

Arthur is your BRO, dude. Like him going through something incredibly tragic and traumatic because at the end of the day Lucy is a possession?

Can men also stop writing men???

Sorry but even if you want to go all dark and edgy and "real" that is just way too messed up. Women aren't objects!

Also isn't Jack married, according to Jonathan? Dude, where is your WIFE in all of this mess???

I am 17 pages in all from Jack's POV, and not once is his wife ever mentioned. Not even like if she died or she left him, nothing.

Meanwhile, the girl is sent to into the bathroom to bleed over a tub and Elizabeth "magnificently naked" stands beneath her to bathe in the blood.

"magnificently naked"

"Orgasmically bathed"

I pulled a brain muscle.

Jack grabs for his crossbow and is about to fire a silver-tipped arrow... when an advertisement for a Shakespearian play makes him stop. He knocks over a tile from the roof, and one of the vampires notices. She doesn't find him but she finds his knife.

She licks his blood that got on his knife but it's full of morphine so it's gross I guess.

Jack deduces that the poster means Elizabeth and her wives will be at the play so he decides he's going to fight them there and that's the end of Chapter 2.

Chapter 3 should be titled "WTF is a Braithwaite????"

PSA: From here on out, in order to avoid confusion, Quincey Harker will be referred to as "Baby Quincey".

Chapter 3 opens up with Baby Quincey giving a one-man performance of Faust and he's like not bad at it, actually. Until the crowd stops paying attention to him because of some commotion or other going on at the other end of the park.

Baby Quincey tries to get his audience's attention but ends up falling on his ass, poor bab, and so the play is over and the crowd disperses.

The only one who sticks around is this guy that Baby Quincey really hates for some reason named

wait for it

BRAITHEWAITE

Now I have no room to talk for someone with an unusual name herself, but

BRAITHEWAITE??

Is this like the British McKaelynnlee??

This kid was 10000% shoved into Victorian lockers. No wonder Baby Quincey hates him, I do too for such a pretentious ass name.

So I guess Braithwaite hates Baby Quincey because the Harkers are rich or whatever. Even though Baby Quincey puts on performances, he's going to this Paris law school that I guess is really fancy, idk I'm just an American pleb.

I can help but imagine the Howlers from Harry Potter.

JONATHAN WROTE THIRTEEN (13) FUCKING PAGES SCOLDING HIS KID HOLY SHIT I AM DYING It actually feels in character ngl

Jonathan writing a letter to scold his son

BABY QUINCEY IS TWENTY-FIVE!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Maybe I just have higher expectations for 25yos but I was getting more of an Ariel vibe from Baby Quincey this whole time.

Bruh, you're a grown-ass man, tell your dad to fuck off and go chase your dreams.

I'm really confused about Baby Quincey's motivations here because earlier he told Barthy or whoever that he doesn't care about money, but does exactly what Jonathan tells him anyway... so that he doesn't lose his inheritance?

Okay moving on, so the commotion in the park that interrupts Quincey's one-man performance is that another actor, really famous I guess (again, American pleb here) has just shown up and Baby Quincey is all star-struck now.

Baby Quincey really wants to go to the performance of his favorite actor, but doing so will piss off Jonathan, who gives him barely enough money to survive and audits his expenses reports like a Scrooge. Quincey finally finds his spine and decides to go anyway and chapter 3 ends.

So that's it for tonight, I actually do wanna do some other stuff lol. We will pick up chapter 4 tomorrow.