Naachan:

Even though I’m a perfectionist and hate losing,
I’m such a lazy, slack and negligent person.
I can only think about something in extreme way,
white or black, 0 or 100.
There is no such thing as good balance for me.

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I have a lot of things I’m not confident of,
I keep comparing myself with others& when I realized how inferior I am,
I would tell myself that it’s not weird for me to fail.

I used foods to fill up my sadness
but my inferiority of my body is the strongest among all
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It would just made me regret it,
which led into a lifestyle with extreme diet which ruin both my body and mind.
If I cry, I would make my eyes swollen and my face looks weird,
so I am not allowed to cry (lol).

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I drank lot of supplements
which I don’t even know is working or not.
I think that as long as I’m beautiful, I can live in this world.

But in the end, I’m not beautiful.
So I have to make up for it in other things,
but there is nothing I can do.
Seriously, I can do nothing.

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Because I’m helpless and ignorant,
I have to work hard to get something.
Even though I hate myself and it pains me hard,
I’m a stubborn person who doesn’t even try to fix my personality.
I wonder why my self esteem get lower as I got older~