wei wuxian having one (01) date that went terribly, sulking to lwj about how HE IS DONE WITH MEN, ALL MEN DO IS LIE (on their tinder bio), THAT'S IT I WILL PUT THE BYE IN BYESEXUAL

lwj, sweating: maybe i can play you a song to clear your mind?

wwx comes into lwj's apartment completely unannounced, still all dressed up from his date. he takes off his shoes by the door and leaves his coat aside, already ranting about how it went, no hello, no intro, no nothing.

lwj, sitting in his living room next to his instrument, just looks up.

he knew about the date, of course, and he tries very hard to pretend there wasn't a big part of him wishing this is exactly how that night would end.

lwj likes wei ying. a lot.

in fact, he wants him to be happy even more than he wants them to be happy /together/. that's just how much he likes wei ying.

but... try not to think of a yellow elephant.
you will think of a yellow elephant.

that's just how life goes.

lwj tries very hard not to be too happy about it. surely the date could have at least ended with a friendship, right? lwj hears about people trying to find dates and ending up as friends all the time. that could have been what happened.

wwx has been speaking nonstop for 5 minutes by the time lwj snaps out of his moral conflict.

"when i tell it was bad, lan zhan, you don't understand it, i swear" he whines, opening the cupboard to check if lwj has bought him yet another bottle of wine.

lwj takes a deep breath and stands up, moves into the kitchen and quietly opens the right cupboard to retrieve a bottle of white wine - wwx's new thing, apparently.

"i mean, you KNOW i talk a lot, right? i know i talk a lot, people don't even have to give me much, but listen..."

it's a well rehearsed routine. lwj pours wwx whine and they both sit across from each other.

"every time he opened his mouth more stupid shit came out of it, somehow. like. just shut up!!!!!! you know what i mean? if THAT is what you have to say, please, shut the f..."

(all that lwj has really heard so far is "wwx went on a date" and then his brain just:)

"so i told him lan zhan, I TOLD HIM, i said - oh, i actually have a friend who has beautiful handwriting, and you know what he told me?" cue dramatic pause "he said well, clearly your friend is gay, can you believe that lan zhan?"

to his credit, lwj parts his lips.

"THE AUDACITY," wwx continues, "well obviously there's nothing wrong with that - being gay, i mean -, but THE STEREOTYPE lan zhan?????? i told him you're not gay, that i know you like mianmian in fact, and you know what he said?"

amazing, lwj thinks. he sips his tea and shakes his head.

well he IS gay and he HAS beautiful handwriting but he knows better than to stop one of wwx's rants, give him a break. he is suffering already.

"he said, AND I QUOTE," wwx then shifts into the worst dude bro tone of them all, "uh, then why don't you go suck his dick?"

wwx: my date just told me you are gay and that i should suck your dick

lwj:

"WHO SAYS THAT?????? in a first date lan zhan!!!!!!!!!!! what kind of person says that about someone's best friend, just because i???? told him your handwriting is beautiful???? what kind of small dick energy is that, honestly"

wwx sits there, like his half hour rant had finally gotten to an obvious conclusion, sips his drink and just gestures in frustration.

lwj has no idea what the conclusion actually is, but he guesses they haven't reached the same one.

"anyway," wwx says after a deep breath, "so obviously i needed to get out of there after that. and you know the frustrating part?"

oh, so apart from your best friend somehow not realising you're gay and constantly telling you he knows you are into your lesbian friend? there is ANOTHER frustrating part?

"i'm easy lan zhan. i don't ask for much. i just needed him to look not terrible, to manage small talk like a decent human being and to suck the horny out of me. i'm so easy!!!!! and he couldn't even do THAT, do you have any idea of how long it has been for me? do you?"

wwx's moodboard

i was going to do lwj's moodboard but this is it, this is all of it: https://twitter.com/yllazy/status/1316616721286025217?s=20

"men can't even do the bare minimum, which begs the question... should i just start seeing more women? i mean. i could. i just..." he waves vaguely.

truth be told, not even wwx is sure of what he meant by that.

lwj chokes on his tea a little bit, and is very careful to cover it up.

"no", he says. he's calm but entirely too fast for a question on that matter.

... it's also the first time in the entire exchange he has bothered to say anything.

they stare at each other in silence for a second before wwx laughs at it. could be worse, lwj thinks.

"what do you mean, no?"

"in theory you could, of course" lwj says. his posture is maybe fixed slightly but we don't talk about that, "but you should not limit your future relationships based on isolated bad experiences, let alone one with someone so..."

he cuts himself. must not explicitly talk shit.

"yeah, i get it", wwx lets out, frustrated. "but i could also just put the bye in byesexual, lan zhan. idk, what do people do? go celibate? dedicate my sacred body to the craft. as the ancient scripts say, no homo."

wwx thinks he is hilarious.

lwj desperately wants to point out each and every wrong thing about wwx's argument.

it's a whole thing.

[there are two ways this could go. here are the options:]

[first one is: lwj is just frustrated out of his mind and kisses wwx right there. wwx assumes a mix of "he took pity on me", "it's to shut me up" and "ah, he's too good", so the story goes to this other thread, which is alr finished:
https://twitter.com/wwxwashere/status/1278866104451059716]

[the second one takes longer, and to get that you just... uh. keep reading, i guess ahahahaha.]

"wei ying", the ever so patient lan zhan says, "are you ready to sleep?"

which means "i am aware i will not win with a reasonable argument here so i am just checking to see if you are done ranting"

"yeah, okay" wwx says, then finishes the wine in one large sip.

that's the end of that conversation.

or at least that's what lwj thinks.

two weeks later, out of nowhere, wwx brings it up again.

"should i just give up dating altogether?"

lwj tries not to investigate all the exact ways that question hurts him in.

"why would you do that?", he asks instead.

"i've tried dating men, we know how that went. i've tried dating women, don't think it was a great experience for any of the involved. maybe i should /really/ go bye bye byesexual."

he just loves saying that.

(yes, it's to the tune of NSYNC this time)

"you should not force yourself into a path you are not happy with" lwj tries. it's the most all of the above advice he manages to come up with.

wwx rolls his eyes at that. he knows lwj refraining from speaking when he sees it.

"i'm just saying, once things go wrong a certain number of times, you begin to wonder if the problem is actually... just you"

"you are not a problem, wei ying"

"explain this, then", wwx says, showing his tinder profile as if that makes a point

silence

... lwj says:

"you have made poor choices"

funny thing is, the is among lwj's poor choices. saying that does not end the conversation as he had hoped.

"I AM WOUNDED" wwx says in an obviously fake tone "what is that even supposed to mean?"

"the people you have chosen," lwj says, very deliberately taking his time as to find a balance between roasting them all and being a good friend, "are simply not worthy of you"

"you do understand i'm not thor's hammer, right?"

"wei ying" - a disapproving tone

"fine, fine. but how am i supposed to choose?"

lwj paints himself into a corner there, suddenly finds himself...

oh, god. he finds himself trying to help wwx find a good tinder date.

it's about the yearning for him.

"no" lwj declares as wwx swipes, "absolutely not. no, no, no, no, (...)"

he hates every second of it.

lwj can't catch a break

"i have to swipe right in order to actually match with someone, lan zhan"

"i know"

(another hour of swiping left)

wwx /tries/ to challenge him, but he is also the one who annoyed lwj into helping.

this one is clearly an asshole. this other seems fake but ok. clearly in the closet and that might be a mess. couple's profile. annoying bio. wrong shirt. likes dogs.

hie eye is slightly red and might indicate drug use, which wwx wouldn't mind but if being advertised is probably not a good idea. annoying. too far away. not enough info. too many requirements. ah, come on, that one clearly has a small dick.

"lan zhan"

"mn?"

"lan zhan, that's enough"

"..."

"come on"

(still no reply)

"listen, unless you're plotting for me to die alone, at this rate you'll have to take me on a date yourself"

FILE UNDER: his on-going list of things he wants to sound as a joke but are actually something he really wants to say and just don't want to deal with the consequences of taking it seriously

did he just-

"i will" lwj says.

no hesitation, no hint of a joke. he finally locks the phone and returns it to wwx.

[squeaky voice] "what do you mean, you will?"