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Coworker X, who triggered my RSD by making it clear they thought I was SUPER annoying, has been trying to make amends, which is nice, but since this isn't the first time they've made me feel like shit, I'm wary. I'm normal with everyone else, but they get limited engagement.
From time to time, part of me feels like acting normal (for me) because ANY suppression of my true nature is exhausting. Basically, I create a hypervigilant inhibitory process that prevents me from saying the funny or silly or outrageous thing that popped into my head.
I can do it, but it's a burden. I'd rather just forgive and forget, but ignoring red flags is how I've been hurt countless times in the past. If the relationship doesn't end, then I inevitably move on. That can be a nice part of having a shitty working memory.
But you can only move on so many times before the offender feels empowered to take my resilience for granted. With each incident, the RSD compounds and I can't believe I've allowed myself to be hurt AGAIN.
This time, I'm trying to learn from my mistakes. I don't want to forget.
This time, I'm trying to learn from my mistakes. I don't want to forget.
I'm worried that if I do, if I just let it go, if I go back to normal, then it's only a matter of time before Coworker X does something even more dickish to make me feel even more like shit. And I, for one, am sick of that being a natural progress of my relationships.
