I just feel like my mental capabilities, or mental health whatever, no longer has enough to "work hard", "improve myself", or "looking forward the future"

Anxiety attacks me every now and then. Everytime it does, I begin panicing, my heart beats really rapidly, my head is extremely dizzy and my vision starts to get blurry I really don't know why

I don't have the drive, or energy i should say, to get out of bed and "do something", let alone pursuing personal goals and be crazy ambitious like I used to be

My apetite is completely gone too and even going outside to grab some food feels "stressful" and "draining"

I don't feel like talking to people at all, I've been giving people around me (my parents and my friends) a cold shoulder and I feel terrible about it

To make everything worse, today is my first day of working. Though i'm really grateful i managed to land one especially at times like this, I seriously feel like I'm mentally incapable and unprepared. This is my first day & I'm already looking for ways to dip the fuck outta here

Now my friends, families or even you, whoever you are who somehow read this tweet (thx btw), may think, "Nahhh man ur just nervous chillll". But I'm telling u, that's seriously not it. I've been in circumstances where I get into a "new environment" but it's never been this awful

And then it comes down to this : I start to feel horribly "worthless" and "useless" because I'm basically doing nothing - simply being a sad and depressed worrywart

I've always had a pretty low self-esteem for the majority of my life and THAT feeling of worthlessness, without a question, amplifies it exponentially and its fucking awful

There's also another issue. If you know me even in the slightest, I've alwats joked about wanting to get a girlfriend. However lately I've been noticing that there is a much bigger issue within myself that's beyond simply craving a significant other or just simply being "horny"

These get even more terrible because I fully understand - in order to get a girlfriend and live a fulfilling life I need to take care of myself, dress well, strive to improve my self, pursue goals, have a great job, socialize a lot, "be a man", be confident, be trustworthy -c

-c full of energy, have a charisma, smell and look good, physically healthy, so on and so forth. I know & understand all that but then again, like I discussed earlier - I barely have sufficient mental capabilities to even get out of bed, do something as tiny as grabbing foods

Ultimately all of these get to full circle, an unbelievably atrocious circle, a Nightmare that is undoubtedly real and happening in my life. And I don't know how to get out of this situation

Everything goes dark real quick. Without realizing it, it starts to physically affects me in different ways. I can't get out of this situation and I'm seriously losing my sanity

TW //

Now I, most likely don't have the balls to do something as crazy as hurting myself or even "beyond that". I've had thoughts about it A LOT of times, like almost every day but. I've even fantasized myself doing it (as creepy as it sounds) but -c

TW //

-c I simply can't bring myself to do it, maybe for good reasons, I mean, who knows right? I worry "God" may exist fr and i just wonder like, the fuck am I going to tell "Him" if I ever kill myself and somehow meet "Him" somewhere after doing exactly "that"?

I guess what I'm trying to say is : Don't worry about "that part" yet, at least in the near future.

But if you, whoever u are, somehow get into this thread & read this, please help me. It's really dark here and I can't get out. I don't know for how long I can take it