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Things Anti-anxiety / Depression Medication Did For Me : A Retrospective
1. No big voice in head saying time to die die die die die die die.
2. Realisation that Die Voice in head was chemical imbalance, not moral imperative! It literally goes away!
1. No big voice in head saying time to die die die die die die die.
2. Realisation that Die Voice in head was chemical imbalance, not moral imperative! It literally goes away!
3. No disproportionate reactions to interpersonal friction, aka : if someone is upset with me, before I used to
A. Want to die
B. Get highkey, uncontrollably as a defence mechanism
C. Repress / Blow up
D. Feel so much guilt about blowing up go back to A, rinse and repeat
A. Want to die
B. Get highkey, uncontrollably as a defence mechanism
C. Repress / Blow up
D. Feel so much guilt about blowing up go back to A, rinse and repeat
Now I can just be like, ah, I& #39;m sorry that your feelings are hurt, that was (very probably) not my intention, I& #39;m going to withdraw myself from the situtation to think about it when I& #39;m less upset.
Bro my friendships have been minimal conflict. They& #39;re still alive.
Bro my friendships have been minimal conflict. They& #39;re still alive.
This is not to say that people who are not on meds don& #39;t deserve to have their friends love them.
It is just that when you hate yourself, and you& #39;re always rubbed raw, the concept of receiving and giving love twists into something stressful, unnecessarily.
It is just that when you hate yourself, and you& #39;re always rubbed raw, the concept of receiving and giving love twists into something stressful, unnecessarily.
4. I am not obsessed with the idea of myself relative to my romantic value!
(For other people this is different - your work, being a good enough child, parent, whatever).
You realise you can be alive unconditionally, and there& #39;s so much more time to do stuff as a result.
(For other people this is different - your work, being a good enough child, parent, whatever).
You realise you can be alive unconditionally, and there& #39;s so much more time to do stuff as a result.
5. I have so much time!
There were days, weeks in the rough, where I would be completely unable to function - not in a capitalist sense, more like in an I can& #39;t get out of bed sense.
My body doesn& #39;t like, have a grief response to the minutiae of being alive now.
There were days, weeks in the rough, where I would be completely unable to function - not in a capitalist sense, more like in an I can& #39;t get out of bed sense.
My body doesn& #39;t like, have a grief response to the minutiae of being alive now.
Quite apart from not being weighed down by a random sack of grief - when my brain became mine again, I could make decisions to do what I wanted, not feel trapped and helpless to my conditions.
I spent weeks at my old job doing nothing at all and unable to do anything about it
I spent weeks at my old job doing nothing at all and unable to do anything about it
you know what Really Really Bad looks like, so things being Grey and Meaningless and Slow and Heavy, to the point where your life feels like there& #39;s no point to living it, feels like the best you deserve.
ACTUALLY, that& #39;s a LACK OF SEROTONIN, NOT A INDICTMENT OF YOUR SELFHOOD
ACTUALLY, that& #39;s a LACK OF SEROTONIN, NOT A INDICTMENT OF YOUR SELFHOOD
6. There is JOY.
There was something frantic and desperate about happiness in the before. I approached it in the dim resignation that it was temporary - the Bad Days would always come back, the Good Days never last.
You chase it and hold too tight, and obviously, it ends.
There was something frantic and desperate about happiness in the before. I approached it in the dim resignation that it was temporary - the Bad Days would always come back, the Good Days never last.
You chase it and hold too tight, and obviously, it ends.
Now, I have contentment on the regular, and joy on the good days.
My mom was suspicious about it the other day, she was like, "What happened? Why are you so happy in the morning?"
Nothing happened! In the before, something needed to happen.
Now it& #39;s just another Tuesday.
My mom was suspicious about it the other day, she was like, "What happened? Why are you so happy in the morning?"
Nothing happened! In the before, something needed to happen.
Now it& #39;s just another Tuesday.
7.Things of Worth :
This is strange to articulate but - I have a dog now. I have done some things in the past year that I will hold as worthwhile for the rest of my life, no matter what happens next.
It& #39;s like - I have in my hands things of worth that cannot be taken away.
This is strange to articulate but - I have a dog now. I have done some things in the past year that I will hold as worthwhile for the rest of my life, no matter what happens next.
It& #39;s like - I have in my hands things of worth that cannot be taken away.
