Masih fresh di ingatan, dlu time paeds and dekat NICU. I was really tired that time and since tengah tagging time bulan puasa. Tahu2 jelah, mana nak sempat makan buka puasa pun. Pukul 10 baru buka puasa itupun dah tak larat nak makan dah sbb too tired to even bukak mata.

Had to go to hospital as early as 5am to review patient, pastu balik pukul 10 malam tu belum sampai rumah lagi. Sbb from hosp to my parents house abt 45 mins so by the time sampai rumah dah pukul 11. Little that i know, time tu sbrnya im carrying this cute little human in me

Hence the tiredness, feeling of bloatedness, kaki selalu sakit and bengkak. My gerd is overwhelming, my mood was harwire pastu dengan tak dpt buka puasa apa semua nak kencing pun tahan. Solat pun kene jama’ sbb asyik lari ke sana sini settlekan baby org lain.

Padahal time tu takde idea lgsg yg tengah pregnant. Hence that explains the always tired and emo me. Lpas tu ada satu harini, i had to work with this one person i hate the most kat paeds and hes well known for dropping shit to ppl and suka mia and org kene buat kerja dia

Basically hes a person who you wouldnt want to work with la. Dah la kerja dia i yg settlekan. Branula bunk skit, tak attempt lg kata fail and suruh i buatkan. Pastu paling melampau dia tanak assist i pegang baby pun sbb dia kata dia banyak kerja. Weh yg aku psg branula ni pt kau

Kot. Not even my job and im just helping you. Pastu shit gila perangai boleh kata tanak tolong. And dekat scn tu ada i dengan dia je and we had to take care of 45babies mcm tu can u even imagine how bad it was?

And thats not even the worst yet tau. My ketua asyik bagi i punya jadual dgn dia je time tu. I tak tahu la kenapa and apa dosa i time tu i selalu kene buli? (entah la) dgn dia. And then kan, i nak buka puasa pun dia berkira gila kata kene discharge pt dlu la blabla

So i tangguh la my buka puasa to settlekan pt. Yelah, i feel bad jugak for my patient kan since dorg babies lagi la rasa bersalah and sian kat dorg so i put myself second after my patient. And guess what? That wasnt enough i guess

Pada satu hari yg sungguh malang ni, i had to work with that shitty guy lagi. He main balik je and tinggalkan me with all his patient without a damn passover?! Sebab dia kata org oncall lambat so dia nak balik dlu. I thought dia dah la passover (thru whatsapp ke) kat budak oncall

Rupanya dia blah mcm tu jee. And i didnt even know that much abt his patient. So bila senior oncall dtg, i was scolded by her some more sbb dia igtkan i yg jaga that patient and kenapa i tak tahu la pasal that patient blabla (dia bukan MO lagi tau dia baru senior ho)

So i had to listen to her bebel to me instead i rasa dia pttnya marah the guy but no dia lepaskan and marah kat i cos apparently malam tu shes oncall dgn this one malignant MO. So she gelabah kot i guess? So again since im tagging time tu, so she asked me to present the case

Bila oncall wardround dgn the malignant MO. Again it wasnt fair for me. But stupid me, i said yes je lah sbb you know mmg i was there dri pagi and even i tak jaga that patient, i malas nk gaduh sbb i was too tired to gaduh dgn org and i tak suka nak gaduh

So yeap, i had to leave everything yg tertangguh tadi just to study abt all the patients yg that shitty guy left me. And at the same time i wanted to do passover to the oncall girl sbb i nak take over the guy’s patient. Tapi guess what? The oncal girl refuse to

Accept my passover sbb dia kata banyak lagi yg i tak settle. I minta tolong dia with some branula pun dia refused. Dia kata to my unsettle job. So she sat at pantry continue makan since time tu dh pukul 9 before she had to do oncall. Did i not tell you, that time

I didnt even buka puasa yet. Seteguk air pun tak sempat. So yeap. I settlekan bloods and cepat2 study and review back patient yg ditinggalkan that shit guy, while that girl makan weh. I rasa nak nangis sangat time tu tapi i tak nangis sbb nnt lagi lambat kerja siap

So yeap i continue doing what i can do at that time. And suddenly that malignant MO showed up. And she ajak do round. So yeah dlm hati i rasa nak nangis sbb im screwed sbb i tak perasan dah kul 10 lebih time tu. Mesti lah dia dah settle dgn ward round and dia nak round scn

So yeap, i kelam kabut and panicked since i tak igt most of the patient yg my colleague tinggalkan tadi dgn bloods yg tertangguh branula yg bunk and staff nurse tanak help to pasang. And babies tu mostly difficult branula. I mintak tolong senior ho tu pun dia tanak help

Sbb dia kata tu unsettle kerja i dari pagi. Allah kenapa malang sungguh nasib i time tu. And here goes the worst part. I was scolded most of the time during rounds and that malignant MO even call me stupid, liar la apa lah i tak bertanggungjawab la i tak patut jadi Dr la

I dont deserve that money i get for working. And that my salary shouldnt be given to me and the maki makian goes on yg i tak sanggup nk ckp. I said to her that it wasnt my patient and that my friend to tak passover kat i pun. So i didnt know much of the patient.

Tapi dia still continue marah i and kata i bagi alasan la and i should have known the patient la bla bla bla. Weh ive reached my limit time tu. I cannot hold my tears anymore and tanpa sedar my tears flowing down my cheeck.

And guess what the MO scolded me and kata i mengada2 sbb nangis and masuk la during my time blabla. And she even ugut me to tell my supervisor that i didnt deserve to pass my tagging period. Time tu i rasa apa lah nasib i kenapa i kene teruk mcm ni. Padahal i dah

Tried my best to put my patients first before me and am i too stupid and takleh function and that i shouldnt be a doctor. So after few other patient, she halau me and said she dont need me anymore sbb i tak berguna katanya. So i pun pulang la dengan penat, and

So dissapointed with everything. Dengan tak buka lagi, dengan nak kencing tahan lagi. I menangisssssss sampaiii lah i rasa i mcm baik mati je. That time i wanted to die. I wish Allah ambil i instead of my dad (time tu baru 3 weeks papa meninggal) i drive laju gila

And i even attempted to kill myself that night. It was the hardest night of my life. Tapi luckily i survived and that i dont have any bridge to stop or to jump and time tu ibu call sbb dah kul 11 lebih tak sampai rumah lagi. Kan tadi nangis kan, so time ibu call

Lagi lah berjujuran air mata turun. I said i wanted to die i said i tanak live lagi i tanak jadi doctor dah im a failure etc. Tapi ibu guide me thru time i drive, ibu calm me down and alhamdulillah i sampai jugak rumah. Selamat. Walaupun time tu sbrnya rasa marah knp xmati je

And that night, yeap i relapsed. That night i nangis teruk gila sampai bengkak mata. Even hubs cannot tenangkan i. Ibu and kak nana pun was there and they didnt know what else to do. Bayangkan time tu i penat gilaaa, tak makan tak rehat tak sempat nak kencing, and tagging

Straight 7 days kerja pagi balik malam tdo sekejap je some more i tak perasan period tak dtg and actually im carrying a baby inside me, di perlakukan mcm tu, di marah mcm tu teruk skali. Dh la penat kerja kan. So mmg la i wish i baik mati je time tu. It was so hard for me

And then, i was given mc by my psychiatrist for few days and since tak lama lepas tu i baru tahu i pregnant pastu mula lah episode muntah segala bagai. And my emotions lagi lah bertambah harwire i nak my dad la i miss my dad lah blabla. Uish time tu mmg teruk la

So yeap, to those yg kata i manja and that i am itu lah i am ini lah, yeah this is my side of story to why i finally gave up on medicine that time.

But alhamdulillah, now that ive gained my strengh back and i think im almost ready to restart my career as doctor. I hope, in case when things are bad in the future, i hope i can remember this, youve gone so far in life syairah and here you are still alive and have

Lots of other ppl who cherish and always love you. Jgn sebab org org yg tak suka you, marah you, you akan give up and and lari lagi. You have to be strong this time. You have to prove that youre worthy and you are loved. Dont repeat the same mistake that you have done before

You have to fight harder this time and may Allah swt. Make it easier for you. amin