There’s something I’ve had on the to do list for awhile. Haven’t found the time to get to it really, but I think tonight’s the night. I just got home, I’ve got a clear schedule, a fresh bottle of rosé, it’s time. It’s time to live tweet D2:The Mighty Ducks!

I love this movie, but I have THOUGHTS!

This is a bad idea. This is a certain waste of time. I should lose all followers. I will be exposed. I fully understand if we can’t be friends after this. But I’m not doing either of us any favors by denying this any longer.

(1:42) Gordon Bombay plays for the “Minnehaha Waves” and their jerseys are burgundy, baby blue, and gold. Glad we’ve already established that anything is possible over the next 90+ minutes.

I never played hockey, and I might be surrendering my Minnesotan card here, but the triple deke looks incredibly easy to stop.

(3:05) “Bombay goes down hard!” Yo, we’re still in the opening credits and the music gets DARK then there’s a flashback to young Gordon skating on a pond in slow motion?! The melodrama is legitimately impressive.

(5:05) Gotta have a shot of a bus that says “Minneapolis” come to its final destination in front of a famous Saint Paul landmark. Can’t have people thinking there are actually two cities in the Twin Cities!

(7:30) “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life sharpening skates in this rink-a-dink town.” There’s low key a lot of Minnesota shade thrown in this movie considering it’s about someone called the Minnesota Miracle Man...

(9:42) A lot has already been said on the Internet about how far the Ducks roller bladed during this truly great ‘getting-the-band-back-together’ sequence, so I won’t add anymore to that discourse.

They skate like 78,000 miles.

(10:22) Ahhhh the Mall of America movie theater. When I was in 8th grade my friend and I tried to sneak into How High, which was of course rated R. Security made us go to the movie we paid for, which was A Beautiful Mind. A remarkably different afternoon for a couple 13-yr-olds.

(11:15) The last thing I want to hear mid romantic moment is Les Averman yelling “the quack attack is back jack!” The romance between Connie and Guy is basically ignored for the rest of the movie and Guy is barely on screen after this. Let’s just say I have questions...

(12:20) Shoutout Lake of the Isles

(15:00) Pat Riley is mentioned for the first, but not final time in this movie. 26 years later he’s still making NBA Finals. That’s absurd.

(17:50) “They’re called enforcers, Gordon, and when you play Iceland you’re gonna need them.”

The Iceland team being the bad guys in this movie is somehow one of the more realistic plot points.

(20:35) Mr. Tibbles comes out of unconsciousness trying to place a generic fast food order and the freaking tutor says “I think he’ll be okay” ??? Where’s the concussion protocol, Junior Goodwill Games?!

(23:45) The dancing scene at the end of their first “practice” is more upsetting than I remember it.

(27:08) Clear shot of the lobby of Parade Stadium where all of our high school hockey games were played. The atmosphere was quite a bit different for those games to say the least.

(29:30) Trinidad & Tobago have the greatest jerseys in the history of hockey and no one can convince me otherwise.

I know you puck guys actually call them sweaters, but come on.

(31:20) “That guy’s a dentist?” In his first substantive line of dialogue Ken Wu proves to us all that he’s a fucking icon.

(35:20) First interaction between Bombay and Stanson. This was 1994 so I think it’s fair to say this scene deserves 100% of the blame for Mel Kiper Jr’s hair gel.

(38:27) “The Air Bombay Loafer for kids who wanna coach” is gonna be in my next Stitch Fix isn’t it.

(42:40) “I imagine it would be like Minnesota where you’re from”

“How do you know where I’m from?!”

Uh, Gordon, your name is the Minnesota Miracle Man?!?!

(44:20) Parade is packed for gm 1 between USA vs Iceland! Looks just like it did for games between Minneapolis Southwest vs South in 2005! Go Lakers!

(48:25) Julie “The Cat” Gaffney is the G.O.A.T. Shit talker and it’s not particularly close.

“...or your back to Palookaville, Minnesota! Shoveling snow and sharpening skates!”

...

...

Ouch.

(52:10) A friend of mine actually thought Miracle ripped off this scene with Herb Brooks going “Again! Again! Again!”

Miracle is a true story.

(55:20) “My little brother tells me you’ve been choking big time.”

“Well your brother’s got a big mouth!”

“He does doesn’t he?”

JFC the writing is perfect.

(1:02:05) “What are you waiting for the ice to freeze? Let’s play!”

Yo, Coach McKay brought the in her coaching debut. Meanwhile Bombay is trying to prove how much he cares for the team by abandoning the team. Bold.

Are we sure Bombay’s not a Ewing Theory candidate?

Gordon Bombay: Underrated? Overrated? Or properly rated?

(1:05:00) I can suspend my disbelief about a lot of things. I could easily suspend my disbelief about a play as dumb as the Flying V actually working. Just not with Averman scoring the goal

(1:10:30) The look on Stanson’s face after he witnesses the knucklepuck for the first time! My guy knows it’s over.

(1:15:48) I relate way too hard with Charlie giving his spot up for Adam. I don’t care if I’m tweeting about it I don’t want to talk about it leave me alone!!!

“Get in the box you big goon!”

I love Kenny Wu.

(1:23:30) “And we’ll see ya tomorrow night!” walked so “WOO WOO WOO KENNY WU!” could run.

(1:27:00) Trinidad & Tobago’s flag is missing from the banner. Jamaica’s is there, which is weird considering there’s no Jamaican team in the movie.

Figure this shit out, Disney.

Of course Averman’s from Brooklyn Park

(1:33:12) Luis Mendoza’s goal where they are clearly trying to show how fast he is has some real strong Sir Lancelot energy.

Do I really need to comment on the knucklepuck buzzer beater?

I’ve done the research, and Julie “The Cat” Gaffney saving Gunnar Stahl’s triple-deke shootout attempt and then going up to him and saying “nice try” is the greatest moment in fictional shit talking history.

Lots of love to Gunnar Stahl, though! The lines:

“You lost it for yourself” followed by

“Let’s go shake their hands” culminating in

“Good work, Captain Duck!” Is an incredible 60 seconds of acting for that kid. What efficiency!

End Credits: every championship should be celebrated with singing We Are The Champions around a bonfire. I guess they kind of are, in a way.