It absolutely shatters my heart that the one thing young Xie Lian truly feared and couldn't handle was being seperated from/abandoned by those he loved. A sweet child who couldn't even bear to see his gold foil palaces fall apart. And then he really did end up completely alone.

That's horrible torture in itself. BWX did a lot of unspeakable things to Xie Lian, but he knew exactly what would break him the most, on a personal and irreparable level. And Xie Lian never truly recovered from that, and became convinced that he was made to be alone.

Apart from a sentient cursed silk cloth--itself a constant reminder of his worst fears--Xie Lian had nothing, and felt he deserved nothing. Even when Hua Cheng entered his life, he fully believed it was temporary. That one day, Hua Cheng would leave too, because everyone does.

Xie Lian lived 800 years without the concept of permanence. Apart from his own existence, all that he had or ever could have, would one day disappear. It's why he lives very much in the moment, and doesn't think too much about either the past or the future.

Because on either end, there is too much greif and sorrow. And it's also why when his abode falls apart, or people come and go, he handles it relatively well. Because it's come to be what's normal for him. What was his worst fear is now a daily reality.

He doesn't even let himself get too attached to things. It's so heartbreaking, and worse because Xie Lian simply... carries on.

But Xie Lian is someone who loves deeply, and wants to be loved in return. So when Hua Cheng enters his life and fills it with such warmth, he yearns.

He yearns and allows himself to fall in love, despite knowing that it is ultimately incredibly self-destructive. But loving Hua Cheng feels right. Even if he can only do it for a little while, what he feels is worth it. In the moment, he can enjoy this, until he has to let go.

But then he really falls too hard, to a point where he cannot imagine his life any longer without Hua Cheng in it. It's not a life he wants to live--colorless and empty.
“No water is enough when you have crossed the sea;
No cloud is beautiful but that which crowns the peak.”

After Hua Cheng, how can anything else compare? And Xie Lian daring to hope for the permanence of Hua Cheng in his life, and for their love to be eternal and unbreakable--that really is something cathartic. The importance of this aspect of Xie Lian's growth cannot be forgotten.

Him loving, and wanting to be loved in return--him holding onto that and being unwilling to let go of it, despite his fears--that's incredible. Xie Lian taking back something so human that was denied to him for centuries: a genuine connection with someone.

And it's beautiful to see Xie Lian finally getting his heart's truest, most closely-guarded desire which he had all along. To have someone who understands him, loves him, and will truly never leave.

His fears laid to rest, Xie Lian can finally have peace and happiness.