LISTEN UP, DORKS! I'm going to tell you about the BEST, CHEAPEST, MOST GOURMET breakfast you can make at home, right now, during quarantine.

This breakfast has gotten me through 7 months of this hellscape, and I'm here to give you my secret. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. This breakfast changed my life.

Do you have EGGS? BREAD? BUTTER? HONEY?

Baby, slam those ingredients on the counter. I'm about to blow your mind.

Grab a pot. GENTLY THROW in as many eggs'll fit in the bottom? 4? 8? Who gives a shit, get 'em in there.

FILL! THAT POT! Cover them with like an inch of water! Put that MF on the stovetop and crank the heat.

Bring those eggy babies to a quick boil, then TURN OFF THE HEAT AND COVER THE POT!

DO IT QUICK!

Those eggs are RELAXING in a HOT TUB now. Let 'em steep for 6ish minutes.

MEANWHILE? You're getting that bread and you're toasting it to a GOLDEN PERFECT TAWNY BROWN.

Is the toast warm and crusty with just a little bit of give? PERFECT. Slather that bad boy with butter.

OH HELL YES, the EGG TIMER just went off!

Take those HOT HOT OVUM and gently place them in a bowl of COLD WATER with ICE. That'll stop the cooking and trust me YOU WANT PERFECT EGGS.

Lovingly select one egg. Whisper sweet nothings to it while you undress it from its shell.

When you slice it in half, it should be A PERFECT GEMTONE YOLK. That yolk should look like GODDAMN JURASSIC PARK GLOWING AMBER without a 6 million year old mosquito.

Place the two halfs of your Egg Masterpiece on top of your Glorious Buttered Toast.

You think we're done? You're ready to eat?

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

GRAB THAT HONEY, HONEY and drizzle ONE FAT SPOONFUL on top of the eggs and butter and toast.

This is fine to eat as is, and it would be magnificent. But you know what? Let's GET CRAZY.

You've got to push it. Push it real good. With

SALT.

'N'.

PEPPA.

Kosher Salt? Maldon? Flakey sea salt? OMG YES. And a pinch of perfect black pepper.

LOOK AT YOU, YOU GENIUS.

YOU ARE A MICHELIN CHEF.

YOU MADE A GOURMET BREAKFAST for like $1.25.

Enjoy with the bevvy of your choice TEA or COFFEE or BREAKFAST WHISKEY.

I guarantee you that if you make this, you will feel LIKE AN EMPEROR OF THE GOLDEN AGE OF ROME.

You DESERVE this breakfast after being cooped up for 7 months. You are WORTHY of this daily decadence.

I LOVE you, and now you know my secrets.

/end

Postscript: the 6 minute rest time can vary, depending on your elevation and how done you want your eggs.

But please, for the LOVE OF GOD don't overdo it.

There are few things on earth better than a perfect egg, and few things worse than a chalky yolk.