1. Welcome to the Daily White House Shadow Press Briefing. With both the truth and @PressSec missing in action, we're hear to answer the questions everyone wnats to know about..like...can God create a rock so big even he can't pick it up..well i digress. Let's get to other

2. ridiculous questions and honest answers. Q. The President's Doctor, Dr. Daffy yesterday revealed he'd passed two Covid tests and was no contagious. When were those tests taken and why won't he release the timing of the President's last negative test before the infection

3. announcement. A. That's a very good question that the President would not like anyone anytime to know. You see he and Dr. Daffy have not been honest about any of this. They desperately don't want you to know when he got infected, who infected him and how many people he

4. infected. The CDC would like to know. The DC dept of health would like to know, everyone who works at the WH wants to know, @flotus wants to know. So here it is. He had the infection well before the Doctor revealed it to the country. He knows where he got it and it's not

5. from someone who works at the White House. The where he got it directly relates to his emergency visit to Walter Reed late last year that they have refused to explain and he's infected a good part of Minnesota, NJ and the White House. He is a human superspreaderwho undoubtedly

6. face legal action when this is done. Other than that, i'm not at liberty to reveal more info, but i sure as heck left a bunch of clues there. Whoever solves it first today gets a shoutout in tomorrow's briefing Q. Was it appropriate for the President to say last night in the

7. middle of a pandemic that he wanted to go out and kiss all the men in the audience and all the beautiful women in the audience? A. You have to understand context here. Yes, he probably shouldn't had said it, but he's famous and can do whatever he wants and he refrained from

8. saying he wanted to grab the men by the balls and the women's by their pussies. He was thinking that though. So he give him credit for some restraint. He is growing into the job. In fact, yesterday he became President of the United States. Q. The President brought a bunch of

9. unmasked people together last night who were not socially distant. What kind of message do you think that sends the American public? A. That he doesn't give a shit about the American people and his supporters are too stupid to figure that out. Q. The President seemed awfully

10. hyped up last night, are you sure he wasn't on any drugs? A. I never said he wasn't on drugs last night. Of course he had a little something to get him through the show. I'd describe it as comfortably numb. Q. But Dr Daffy said he was no longer medicated. A. You're all

11. the wrong question. What is Dr. Daffy taking over the last couple of weeks, in addition to his creative writing classes of course. Q. Mark Meadows refused to talk to the press unless he could take his mask off. What message does that send. A. First, he just a self important

12. jerk. More importantly its a message to the WH from the media. Keep us safe or we won't cover you. Major news media will no longer travel with the President or go to the White House out of fear for their safety. UMM...what took you guys so long? Did you just figure out they

13. they don't care about you? Q. How does the President think the SCOTUS hearings are going. A. He thinks they're going great. But please don't tell him that three full. days of primetime coverage while Republicans bathe themselves in outlawing abortion excitement and killing

14. health insurance for 20 million people and pre-existing condition coverage for an additional 100 million is not exactly going to get him votes. Please don't tell him because it's already a disaster for Republicans with the American people. Q. Does the President have a

15. reaction to @lindseygraham turning this morning into a fundraiser for his campaign? A. Of course not, he gets 10% tribute off the top, so he's very happy. Q. Did the President really consider coming out of Walter Reed in a superman t-shirt? A. Yes he did, he even had a

16. staff person go out and buy one. He was going to do it until he got a look at himself in the mirror with the shirt on. Even the clueless Trump didn't see the man of steel, he saw the man of blob. Think Christopher Reeve at 3 bills. Yuck.

17. Q. The President seems upset that Fox News has so many negative ads running against him. A. He is, problem is he's only seen his ads, which are so bad they look like attack ads on him. There a cross between super glue infomercials and they guy who's predicting the end of the

18. world and telling us to buy gold and canned beans. Wait until he sees the actual Biden ads. Q. Where did the $1 billion the campaign raised go. The President is being outspent everywhere right now. A. Well, don't think of it as a traditional campaign. Think of it as a

19. criminal organization where everyone has to get paid. The campaign manager needed a yacht, ferrari a big house for appearances. So he skimmed. Trump's family needed some spending money so he skimmed. And Trump took his 25% of everything raised because, well, he's Trump.

20. That's why they've been forced to take down ads in so many states. Q. Does the President have a reaction to the voter fraud being committed by the California Republican Party? A. He's furious, he told his campaign clearly he only wanted to cheat in battleground states. Heads

21. will be rolling very soon. Q. Does the President regret pulling out of the next debate. A. Well it was a new experience for him, and yes, he regrets it very much. Despite all the polls, the President thinks he won the first debate. He just kind of outsmarted himself going on

22. pumped up with steroids and whatever else he got his hands on. Q. Does the President understand how far he's behind right now. A. Of course not, he thinks he's winning.
Q. But why. A. Because that's whats left of his campaign is telling him. It's a skeleton operation right

23. now. Some have cashed out, some are in jail and others in psychiatric wards. Basically now it's him and Jared. So he thinks he's winning. Q. Any further word on whether the President will accept a peaceful transition of power? A. Answer is still no and will remain no so

24. buckle up everyone. It's going to be a nasty time over the next couple of months and if you think Trump is crazy now, you ain't seen nothing yet. On the positive side, he's failed at everything he's ever done, so he might get comfortable with this failure too.

25. Q. Is the President worried that people in Georgia had to wait 11 hours to vote yesterday on the first day of early voting. A. Well, he has mixed feelings. First, he loves the voter suppression is working. But he's scared to death that people waited that long. He doesn't

26. think those people like him very much. That's all i've got for this morning. May check back in this afternoon as news develops. Remember if you want to outlaw abortion and health insurance in America, ACB is your candidate.