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To anyone who needs to hear this from me: I am sorry for the ways I have hurt you. I am very sick, mentally speaking, and often my emotions are overwhelming to the point where I don't feel I am in control of them or myself. In these moments I am a danger to myself and to others.
If you have been a casualty of this, I am truly sorry. I offer no excuse for my repeated negative behaviours, for I have none that will suffice. In truth, I have sought professional help time and again, but nothing seems to work. This is my reality, and I hate myself for it.
When I talk about suicide, I am told it is selfish, to think of all those I would hurt by my final act. But there's the irony, I *am* thinking of the people I have and will continue to hurt, I just care more about those I will hurt by being here than those I will hurt by not.
But in truth, I don't have the power to make that decision. I have a dog who depends on me, and as long as he does I can't take my own life.
So, instead, all I can do is keep living and hoping that in the days to come I will not hurt as many people as I have the days before.
So, instead, all I can do is keep living and hoping that in the days to come I will not hurt as many people as I have the days before.
The thing is, hope is naive, and simply hoping I might one day stop repeating ingrained, programmed behaviour is not enough to actually stop it. I know that. But I also know that traditional methods of behavioural therapy have proven unsuccessful. So that leaves me back at hope.
Today is the birthday of someone I love with all my heart, and yet despite loving this person more than I thought possible to love someone... We haven't spoken in almost 2 years.
And it's my fault.
And I've learned from my mistakes. I really have.
But still, I make them.
And it's my fault.
And I've learned from my mistakes. I really have.
But still, I make them.
I'd like to think it's possible for me to get better, but years of empirical evidence suggests otherwise.
And so, that brings me back to where I started this thread. All I can do is apologize, and try harder to be better tomorrow. I know, that's not enough, but it's all I have.
And so, that brings me back to where I started this thread. All I can do is apologize, and try harder to be better tomorrow. I know, that's not enough, but it's all I have.
