trying to earn peoples love thru your actions typically comes from having parents who were inconsistent w/ their love. they might've emphasized rewards & more love for good behavior or they may have been wish washy w/ their love. ultimately, it creates an anxious attachment style

typically you don't realize that youre trying to earn love or prove that youre deserving of love. but it shows through your actions. trying to be the best. overcompensating. holding too much space for people. chasing emotionally unavailable people.

you do things to "be a good person" which is definitely true, but underlyingly.. its to be validated, accepting, and ultimately loved. you prove that youre deserving of love. it literally is anxiety and fear of being unlovable or viewed in a negative light.

it could be parents or someone else significant, but the point is: someone.. sometime.. told you that if you were bad.. messed up.. moved the wrong way.. didn't fulfill their idea of you.. then you were unlovable. and thats where the chase for love begins.

this results in many situations of feeling unlovable & under appreciated. I would recommend of course the 'Codependent No More' book. for a lot of us, its boundary setting. its self love. its not giving so much. you are lovable regardless. you are more than what you have to offer