know your anxious levels & limits... a thread

the other night i went out with my brothers and mates, i usually stay away from things i feel like i socially can’t handle but i really wanted sibling bonding time ‘cause i can’t remember the last time that’s happened...

i experienced my first social anxiety attack and was starting to go into tears at fkn shisha the other night. i thought in my head, “what a fkn pussy” but i couldn’t fight it, i couldn’t handle being crowded by so many people yet i always walk in public surrounded by people ?

i was really fighting myself in my head saying “you’re never gonna enjoy nights out like this with the people you love”, “you should’ve just stayed home” and other stuff that no one needs to feel but i wanted to stay as much as i wanted to leave and get the fk out

one of my brothers, in a surprising wtf yet caring way said “wait what, are you gonna cry?!” which kinda made me feel like a kid, more vulnerable n shit and i remember thinking “no way, holy shit this is happening”. the thing i fought against for so long

just thinking about all the times i’ve turned down the dozens of night outs with mates because i knew i wouldn’t feel comfortable as much as i enjoy their company. one of my friends that night made a slight roast comment which she knew would make me laugh, it slowly helped yeah

then once the shisha came and i finally had some, most of the anxiety went away, it was still there the whole night until we left the venue but it was suppressed from being under the influence which sucks when i think of it, that it took something to drug me out for a few seconds

while some people actually get to live their lives, be happy and enjoy the moment without having to feel scared and uneasy for no particular reason... even as soon as we parked up i felt it intensely & remembered how much i hate the city/clubs, it felt like i was about to vomit

i’m just glad i had my siblings in that moment otherwise if i was surrounded by strangers i would’ve had the biggest panic attack... this thread is mainly just a vent because no one knows of it besides those i were sitting with that night