...I think I want to read a lot of queer non-fic literature and....write as complete of an introspective understanding of my own complex and vast masculinity as I possibly can

oh god, I'm going to go into sociology and feminist studies and all that, aren't I? instead of doing the thing that gets me money which is doing psychology. fuck. FUCK. will my brain even let me hyperfixate on psychology as much as I fixate on queer discourse and theory?!?!?!

there's like, SO MANY THINGS I CAN THINK OF ALREADY to write and understand more about when it comes to my masculinity. I literally have 3 separate genders that are all intrinsically tied to masculinity in their own unique ways as well as tying back into each other.

and then there's the complexities of navigating a self-imposed boyhood with all of the restrictions and learnt about it as a little tomboy girl

AS WELL AS the complexities of being achillean/a queer man that is gender non-conforming in a masculine way and how the framework of being achillean/queer man affects my own masculinity when im seen as inherently fem, ESPECIALLY SINCE IM AFAB

and THEN THE COMPLEXITIES OF GROWING UP SAPPHIC AND HAVING THAT DISCONNECT FROM WOMANHOOD AND FEMININITY THAT GOES WITH IT and how that leads a lot of sapphics into being butches into being nonbinary butches/sapphics.

how that gender non-conformity is its own masculinity

that's also still relates and comes and connects to womanhood, and how even IF butchness is masculine for me and others there is still a quality of femininity to it, of being gnc not just for afabs or women but having a gnc femininity in itself that feels like masculinity but not

'LIKE THAT', at least not exactly. how it is deeply complicated and a swirl and maybe we should be called androgynous but a lot of us just like being called masculine and seen that way even though that masculinity for us is inherently tied to an imposed and reclaimed femininity

fuck me i hope this spiel is making any lick of sense.

and i haven't even gotten into nonbinaryness and transmasculinity and MY GOD THAT'S THE MOST COMPLEX ONE....that'd have to be build off the other two... but explained as different still.... and how it's its own gender but also an amazing umbrella term to unite all this-

masculinity for me. all these different types and feelings and places they come from and how they act similarly and differently...