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so at this point this twitter is basically turning into 100% gay ramblings about random gay bullshit/drama and at this point im embracing it. anyway im going to ramble on gayly in this thread about this whole ongoing experience. https://twitter.com/MadHareRaze/status/1307711455735603200?s=20">https://twitter.com/MadHareRa...
ok so obviously confident, flirty, outgoing, perceptive lesbians who decide you are cute and ?entertaining? are Terrifying. I am already not great at dealing with that but I was feeling even more off-balance than I expect. As tradition dictates I spent a day thinking and pining.
It& #39;s like, a couple of things I think? That I didn& #39;t even realize I wasn& #39;t getting until I was given them. I legitimately struggled to put a word to it, but I think more than anything else its just kindness? Like even with the teasing and bullying there& #39;s such genuine kindness?
More than that i& #39;m getting like, taken seriously, in a genuinely positively unsettling way? Thats largely my choice of course in all the ways I choose to present myself unseriously, and I think thats part of why it was so strange to have someone both take that part of me serious-
but also look past that and comment on what I usually keep behind it. Even outright calling me out on the ways I consciously reduce myself to that. Even then it was so strangely kind, calling me smart of all things and gently pointing out the way I was minimizing myself.
I just, honestly don& #39;t know how to deal with or navigate that kind of kind seemingly genuine interest and care. Like we haven& #39;t spent all that much time together in the end, but theres already been such incisive, kind interest shown in the little time we have hung out.
To make all of this even more of a Problem, I don& #39;t know almost anything about said person beyond their name and that they are a lesbian. I could fall for them terrifyingly easily at this point, and I don& #39;t even know if they like me as a friend, let alone anything more.
Already they are genuinely terrifyingly important to me, especially with the friendships I have lost recently, and it is utterly paralyzing. Even asking about what they feel/think towards me feels like a terrifying risk, let alone asking more about them.
My computer hard-crashed part way through this and I lost my train of thought on reboot. Honestly its all just a bit scary, because even if they were somehow interested in me, frankly I& #39;m ugly as sin, and have little chance of changing that until such point as I can move out.
More than anything else I hope I can find a friendship there at least and clearer boundaries/relationship shape. honestly I don& #39;t really know whats going to happen there and I wish I wasn& #39;t so utterly vulnerable and damaged right now.
I wound up losing most everything I had had for years in one fel swoop and one choice I refuse to take back. Now im just vulnerable, new, lonely and hurting, and somebody choosing to be kind, caring, and very flirtatious towards me has a Lot of power over me.
Honestly this thread doesn& #39;t really have a point so much as just me nattering on and rambling about gay nonsense. As it stands I just gotta do my best and accept that I just gotta go with the flow. I have already been gifted a lot from this relationship including a new name.
