Here's a few thoughts... about life on the left. Or centre-left. Or whatever you want to call it. Specifically, it's about heart versus head - and the way politics done in our Parliamentary (and party) system screws it all up.

I was always fascinated by politics as a kid.

I remember Thatcher's fall vividly. In fact, I just about remember the miners' strike, even though I was only 6 when it ended. But aged 12, I already knew enough to start dancing around the classroom when the news came through that the evil witch had resigned.

I remember, the day she resigned, the assumption was that Douglas Hurd (!) would succeed her. John Major's surge took many by surprise. I remember him returning from Maastricht triumphantly - and I recall, too, the sad sad outcome of the 1992 election.

Before that election, despite Labour being ahead, my German teacher and I agreed - contrary to everyone else in our class - that the Tories would win. I just had a feeling about it. That Kinnock scared too many people.

On election day, my Mum walked the dog... and everyone she spoke to in the park - all mothers like her of a certain age - kept talking about the Winter of Discontent. How scared they were of it coming back.

That was my first experience of how media propaganda works in Britain.

But what happened in 1992 had a formative impact on me. Even more so when, after he left the leadership, Kinnock turned into this really likeable bloke on chat shows and so on. That told teenage me that something about politics really constricts people; stifles them somehow.

And that's especially true on the left. Ed Miliband never came across better than in the years AFTER his defeat. Gordon Brown was caricatured relentlessly, and suffered hugely as PM... but he's a great man too. And a hugely personable one.

Then look at Tony Benn. Has there been more of a gentleman, more of a diamond of a man, in British politics in the last half a century? He stuck to his guns - and people look back now and say "see? He was right about almost everything!"

Yet, in tangible terms, he failed totally.

Something about that really bothers me. Isn't politics supposed to be about heroes? About people who inspire us and lead real change with their words and deeds? Isn't democracy supposed to be about the people all coming together and doing what's best for everyone?

Tony Benn was a hero... but he failed.

Jeremy Corbyn was, to very many, a hero too... and failed.

By contrast, Margaret Thatcher was a profoundly wicked human being - who achieved a quite enormous amount. Her legacy of destruction continues even now.

David Cameron was a total lightweight, but he got to wreck the UK for 6 years regardless. And Tony Blair? What the Lord give'th (three election wins), He take'th away (Iraq, and the loathing of his party).

At school, people used to tell me I should go into politics.

But I never really tried. And you know why? Because in Parliamentary politics, if you're on the left, to achieve tangible things seems to REQUIRE biting your lip. Toeing the party line. Saying things you don't really believe - well, not in your heart, anyway.

You do that ultimately for some greater good. Can't afford to alienate those you need to vote for you!

And in the end, you might move things *a bit* in the right direction. Which is better than losing all the time.

But Christ it's depressing. It must be truly depressing to be an MP half the time. Straight batting questions. Remaining 'on message'. Doing things - as with the recent abstentions - which are against what you believe, but intended not to lose vital votes away later on.

Of course Keir Starmer doesn't believe in torture! And of course he wants Donald Trump to lose - he despises him. But all that constant calculation, all the time; all intended not to walk into traps or hamstring himself in the unlikely event that Trump remains President.

It's just. So. Boring.

That's why I never went into politics - because most of the time, it IS boring. Very boring. Envelope stuffing door knocking repeating the same soundbites again and again and pissing off your own supporters too. Even though you secretly agree with them.

Of course, the right don't seem to have this problem. The right can do... whatever the heck they want, it would seem. Albeit, as Trump's currently discovering, there is a limit in the end.

But the left? Different rules for us. FPTP, the media, capitalism itself are why.

The thing about Corbyn was: he allowed so many of us to just be ourselves. To combine heart with head, as I mentioned sometime last year. In political terms, to chase a dream - before it all crashed around our heads, and his.

I'll never begrudge him that. It was emotional.

But that awful post-exit poll reality - like Monty Python's foot coming down from above to squash all of us... Oh boy. "Shaun - what were you DOING? How could you, despite decades of observing it all, forget what the parliamentary reality of being on the British left is?"

That's why I ultimately set a lot less store by Brexit or even by the sabotage of his own MPs than many others on here. Because I'd seen it all before: too bloody often. The Tories changed leader; the Tories got a fake 'deal'... and we were sunk. Almost without trace.

And yet... if I watch a George Carlin video about the way politics actually works, I find myself nodding and laughing.

If I read something by Noam Chomsky, I almost always agree.

If I watch Tony Benn speaking on Thatcherism, I smile and think "top man! Absolute top man".

Deep down, my views haven't changed at all. I've expressed them differently since the election because the election gave me such a shock. Made me look at myself. Reminded me that for whatever reason, doing it this way JUST DOESN'T WORK.

I so so wish it did. But it doesn't.

Frankly, I could seriously do with looking at myself again given how sardonic and condescending I so often am. It's a horrible flaw in my character - and to anyone on the receiving end of my tongue, apologies for having been a twat for the eleventy millionth time.

And also: yes, Starmer DOES have to step it up. Those Gogglebox clips DO mean something. The public ARE asking either:

1. We know what you're against - but what are you FOR?

2. Aren't you supposed to be the Leader of the Opposition? So bloody well oppose!

Even though he inherited a quite horrendous mess; even though I think Labour will be ahead in the polls in a matter of weeks, he SHOULD be doing better. There's no excuse for being behind a government this incompetent, this negligent, this corrupt.

His approval ratings are just starting to slip into negative territory because the public want to know what we're all about. Fingers out of your backside Keir: the scandal over PPE procurement is beyond belief, the government's shambolic messaging is absurd, and people are dying.

He has to ram this home. No messing about, no equivocating. He has to be brave as well as strategic.

Life, in the end, is about balance. A bit of this, a bit of that. Everything in moderation, nothing in excess. Phase 1 has got us a hearing again... but Phase 2 must be bolder.

By the way, he's already done things as leader which I never could. I could never, ever have reached out to lost Red Wall voters in the way he has; I'd have given it up as a bad job and tried to create some left/liberal post-Remain party instead.

But without a progressive alliance, I also know that under FPTP - and with the Tories about to rig the constituencies even more - that wouldn't have worked. In other words: to get us back into government, the leader HAS to go against some things he no doubt believes deep down.

And that's politics. British politics, with its two creaking old dinosaur parties, at least.

And I hate it. I bloody hate it. Until a year ago, Ken Clarke and Jacob Rees-Mogg were in the same party. Frank Field and Laura Pidcock were in the same party.

It's ridiculous.

Hold your nose, keep your discipline, don't let the media misrepresent us, don't say what you actually believe because doing so could stop us being able to help anyone at all.

There HAS to be a better way. Surely? Because this is a huge part of why politics turns so many off.

PR would help. I'm dismayed that Starmer has yet to make any moves towards it. It'd make things a lot more consensual and grown-up - and we wouldn't all have to stay in the same party as others with whom we disagree on... almost everything, it can seem at times!

But even then, under PR, we'd never get all that we want. We might not even get 70% of it. There'd be coalitions we'd need to form, sacrifices we'd need to make... and that'd piss people off too. Plenty of them.

No easy answers here, in other words.

I'm rambling even more than usual now, so I'll stop.

But what I'm trying to say here is: don't hate the playa. Hate the game. Starmer's having to play the game in this way in order to get us back towards government. And he's a much better man than me for at least trying too.

Finally: am I a socialist? A social democrat? I'll tell you what I am: I'm a utilitarian. I want the greatest benefit for the greatest number.

It's just that, the way parliamentary and party politics works - a means to an end - it can so often seem otherwise.