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Ok, since i gained english speaking followers, i thought that i might translate some of my threads (be kind with my English, i'm french)
So, @melangeinstable, a french feminist talked about high risks behaviours, and it made me think.
I realised that between my 19 and 21s, when https://twitter.com/erinyah_/status/1314990918265643010
So, @melangeinstable, a french feminist talked about high risks behaviours, and it made me think.
I realised that between my 19 and 21s, when https://twitter.com/erinyah_/status/1314990918265643010
i didn't yet know i was trans and would pass as a man, i emgaged into ridky behaviours without even realising it, and it could have ended very badly for me.
(It already came pretty close, i will lean more on that later)
(It already came pretty close, i will lean more on that later)
I thought it was important to talk about it because besides being transfem NB, i am also disabled and mentally ill and those risky behaviours were related to the fact i was institutionalized pretty young
So. In 2007, I was put in a french medical clinic for adolescent and young adults under 22 years old. I was 15, and I stayed there four years
I don't know how you call that in english but it was a "soins-etudes", meaning besides medical apointements with psychiatrists, psychologue, treatment and all, we also attended school
Living in there was like living in a bubble, far from the exterior world. It had previously been a convent and was repurposed as a medical clinic for young people with psychological issues.
We had an adapted schedule, we were in smaller classes ( like five students in History class, so you can imagine), and some activities, like pottery, circus arts, theatre, etc...
On paper, it seemed fine. And I think, maybe, for some, quick stay could be helpful.
But not four whole years.
But not four whole years.
Four years isn't a break from your problems anymore. Living in there becomes your life, and your personal difficulties become completely related to this place, more so if your medical leave are rare
( my parents were living like between 310 and 400 miles from there so I had to wait three weeks to go there whereas the others patients would have only two weeks to wait)
Given that you had to ask permission to go out after finishing class and be back before 7 PM, my world revolved almost entirely around the clinic.
I will add quickly that we were poorly helped considering we were mostly troubled kids, and many had been traumatized, some having been previously sexually assaulted (which created the perfect setting for rape and sexual assaults between young patients
), unhelpful and self centered nursing staff, a long list of medical treatment
"So, your treatment doesn't work ? No need to revise it. We will just add three Neuroleptics"
.
.
.
I stayed there four years, and I feel I learned nothing. Like if I was stuck at 15 all this time
"So, your treatment doesn't work ? No need to revise it. We will just add three Neuroleptics"
.
.
.
I stayed there four years, and I feel I learned nothing. Like if I was stuck at 15 all this time
I didn't become more independent, I didn't did very well at school cause I missed many classes due to my depression and the neuroleptics that made me sleep.
I mean, yeah, it was a bit better because during this time, I didn't have to bear my parents' presence and that I met people I could relate too with similar experiences, but that's it
There was only one medical service in all the clinic which actually pretended to teach how to be more independant but it had only like five room so I didn't get to go there until the end of my stay.
Before being in this unit, even the little initiatives weren't seen in a positive light.
For exemple, I was scolded by the head nurse because I had been picking my newspapers directly at the reception.
"Imagine what would happen if everyone did the same as you ?"
For exemple, I was scolded by the head nurse because I had been picking my newspapers directly at the reception.
"Imagine what would happen if everyone did the same as you ?"
So, after four years, il leave the clinic, I don't know much how things work in the real world. How I'm supposed to interact with people, what is appropriate and what isn't.
Added to that, I won't have my own flat. I will go to another medical structure : a Therapeutic Residence
Added to that, I won't have my own flat. I will go to another medical structure : a Therapeutic Residence
I'm still treated as a Juvenile by my parents, the medical staff and by the professional school I attend to.
In France, the age of majority is 18 years old. I'm 19, and I won't began to be trated as an adult until I leave definitly the psychiatric institution at 23.
In France, the age of majority is 18 years old. I'm 19, and I won't began to be trated as an adult until I leave definitly the psychiatric institution at 23.
We weren't allowed to be out the residence after 11 PM without authorization and the door was locked at 11 PM (which I found absurd because there was a digital code.
We weren't allowed to stay in each other appartment passed this either.
We weren't allowed to stay in each other appartment passed this either.
We all had medical appointments where nothing were said, really. Felt like a waste of time.
We had a specific budget to run food errands. The nurses inspected our receipt to verify we hadn't bought something that wasn't food.
We had a specific budget to run food errands. The nurses inspected our receipt to verify we hadn't bought something that wasn't food.
There were supposed to be separate budgets and receipts for household furnitures and laundry service
We couldn't use a Vital Card for medical appointment. There were giving us money and we were supposed to bring back a treatment form.
We couldn't use a Vital Card for medical appointment. There were giving us money and we were supposed to bring back a treatment form.
Each time we wouldn't eat a meal inside the Residemce, some money was counted down from the food errand budget of the week.
To have enough money, I sometimes skipped school.
Besides that, we were often left to our own devices in our flats.
To have enough money, I sometimes skipped school.
Besides that, we were often left to our own devices in our flats.
There was a time when I didn't go out of my appartment for a week without worrying the nurses.
I didn't really felt a connexion with the other students.They were younger and didn't have any of the baggages I have had to deal with.
I didn't really felt a connexion with the other students.They were younger and didn't have any of the baggages I have had to deal with.
I felt very lonely and alienated and I were realizing I wasn't free.
It made me hungry for human contact and connexion but because I had no experience into interracting with normal people
It made me hungry for human contact and connexion but because I had no experience into interracting with normal people
and the fear of consequences if I were to talk about this with the nurses or the psychatrist, sometimes the way I interracted felt a little creepy.
In search of this connexion I was very sociable with complete strangers, jumping at any occasion, which mean I sometimes went with them in their houses without even knowing if those people were safe for me.
This behavioura I had at the time, led one time to a sexual assault.
I was alone in the streets and a man in a wheelchair with a polio, older than me, tried to talk to me.
I invited him to drink a coffee and we talked a bit.
I was alone in the streets and a man in a wheelchair with a polio, older than me, tried to talk to me.
I invited him to drink a coffee and we talked a bit.
Then he asked me if I could push his wheelchair to his appartment.
In front of his door he asked me if I wanted to come inside, and I didn't have the courage to say no.
In front of his door he asked me if I wanted to come inside, and I didn't have the courage to say no.
SEXUAL ASSAULT
I sat on his couch. He turned on his music.
I was uncomfortable but I didn't say anything.
He sat next to me and removed his pants.
I was seing his testicules next to me and felt really bad.
I sat on his couch. He turned on his music.
I was uncomfortable but I didn't say anything.
He sat next to me and removed his pants.
I was seing his testicules next to me and felt really bad.
SEXUAL ASSAULT
He pulled up new pants and he moved to sit on a chair in front.
He knew I liked drawing so he asked me to draw him.
When I was drawing him, I noticed his hand was under his pants while looking at me.
He pulled up new pants and he moved to sit on a chair in front.
He knew I liked drawing so he asked me to draw him.
When I was drawing him, I noticed his hand was under his pants while looking at me.
I felt worse and I knew I had to go the hell out of there, but my brain was in panic mode and I feared he'd try to stop me from leaving (which he physically couldn't but I wasn't thinking straight)
Instead of keeping it as proof, I gave him the drawing, excusing myself and got out.
Like I said before, I didn't knew then I was trans, and I was passing masc. Apparently, my disabilities, my inexperience and my queerness (not completly acknowledged at the time but somewhat visible, it appears) were still making me an easy pray.
Given the risks I was unconsciously taking and considering that even masc passing I still was assaulted, I think it would probably have been way worse if I had those risky behaviours when passing as female.
I'm sorry about the messiness of this thread.
What I wanted to say here was that being instutionalized deprive you of the tools that would make you able to read the situations.
That it causes risky behaviours because you haven't been trained to know when it's dangerous
What I wanted to say here was that being instutionalized deprive you of the tools that would make you able to read the situations.
That it causes risky behaviours because you haven't been trained to know when it's dangerous
(Hope my english wasn't too bad)
