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I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.
My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn't cool.
If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?
What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? "Close the door, I'm dressing!"
I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.
One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!
What do scholars eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts.
A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
MOM: "How do I look?" DAD: "With your eyes."
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!”
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!
I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
SERVER: "Sorry about your wait." DAD: "Are you saying I’m fat?”
What has two butts and kills people? An assassin
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? AYE MATEY
What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
Why couldn't the bike standup by itself? It was two tired.
GRANDPA: I have a 'dad bod', DAD: To me it's more like a father figure.
When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1
When you ask a dad if he's alright: "No, I’m half left.”
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
SON: *hands my Dad his 50th birthday card*, DAD: You know, one would have been enough.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.
When you ask a dad if they got a haircut: "No, I got them all cut!"
Where did the college-aged vampire like to shop? Forever 21.
You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.
Why wasn't the woman happy with the velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff.
What noise does a 747 make when it bounces? Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.
