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So basically, my generation of trans people, a lot of us were basically lost children.
There were basically no adult trans people for us to look up to, to talk to, to get advice from, to learn from.
There were zero positive representations of us anywhere.
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There were basically no adult trans people for us to look up to, to talk to, to get advice from, to learn from.
There were zero positive representations of us anywhere.
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Forget tweets from cookie companies, we were just hoping that we WOULDN'T show up on television or movies, because it would of course portray us as horrible monsters.
There weren't informative web sites or easy-to-find support groups or informed consent HRT.
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There weren't informative web sites or easy-to-find support groups or informed consent HRT.
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I mean, there _were_ a few resources -- that by and large were shit and, in keeping with the cis medicalist control over transition, were full of quislings who drank the transmedicalist kool-aid.
Such sites typically tried to talk you OUT of transitioning.
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Such sites typically tried to talk you OUT of transitioning.
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Where were our trans elders there? What happened to them?
Well, to begin with, there's the reason that we didn't have many _queer_ elders, period:
AIDS.
I turned 18 in 1986.
Queers 5-10 years older than me just ... weren't around. And couldn't be publicly out.
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Well, to begin with, there's the reason that we didn't have many _queer_ elders, period:
AIDS.
I turned 18 in 1986.
Queers 5-10 years older than me just ... weren't around. And couldn't be publicly out.
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But the second reason I didn't have trans women elders was that the standards of care at the time pretty much demanded that trans women who "successfully transitioned all the way" ...
had to go stealth, be straight, and never mention being trans ever again.
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had to go stealth, be straight, and never mention being trans ever again.
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CW: transmisogynistic term
Trans women had a choice: never transition, be an "autogynephile" (don't look it up) crossdresser forever ... or buy fully into transmedicalism.
Or at least say you bought into it.
And then keep quiet about it.
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Trans women had a choice: never transition, be an "autogynephile" (don't look it up) crossdresser forever ... or buy fully into transmedicalism.
Or at least say you bought into it.
And then keep quiet about it.
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There were -some- older trans people out there ... but not many. It took the advent of the Internet to allow trans people to connect with each other, start forming communities of support, caring, advice.
And most of -those- lacked elders of any kind.
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And most of -those- lacked elders of any kind.
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When I first came out as trans and started going to a support group, I was a "late bloomer" and had already been exposed to Internet concepts about intersectionality, queerness, and so on.
But a lot of the older trans women wanted nothing to do with that.
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But a lot of the older trans women wanted nothing to do with that.
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The generation above me was so mired in their transmedicalism, their stealth, their belief that "autogynephilia" was a thing, their obsession with passing ...
... that there wasn't really much I could learn from them. And they weren't interested in helping me out.
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... that there wasn't really much I could learn from them. And they weren't interested in helping me out.
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It didn't help that the average trans person who actually COULD transition in the generation before me ... was privileged.
Usually well-off, almost certainly white, in good health, and so on.
The sheer cost of medical transition was even more of a barrier than it is now.
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Usually well-off, almost certainly white, in good health, and so on.
The sheer cost of medical transition was even more of a barrier than it is now.
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So basically there were these old conservative asshole trans women sitting around, talking about their days in the military or whatever, and not really listening to me talk about how I didn't know if I was "genderqueer" or "really trans" [sic].
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I didn't have language to talk about being unsure if I was non-binary or binary. (Surprise! I'm both!) I didn't have the language to talk about the interactions between my sexuality and my gender.
At least, not from anyone much older than me.
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At least, not from anyone much older than me.
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A lot of what I learned about gender and sexuality came from listening to _younger_ people than myself, not older: it was the kids who were pushing the boundaries on what queerness could be, while the elders sat back and tut-tutted about staying off their lawn.
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I've honestly learned more about queerness from people 10-25 years younger than me than from any older queer people.
There were a few bright lights from the generation before me, and you've probably heard of some, but there weren't many.
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There were a few bright lights from the generation before me, and you've probably heard of some, but there weren't many.
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In addition to not having anyone to learn from, we didn't have anyone to protect us as we were going through the learning stages of being a baby tran.
We had peers, and we had a handful of much older people who I value and appreciate still.
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We had peers, and we had a handful of much older people who I value and appreciate still.
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Mostly we had to make it up as we went along.
By and large we kind of sucked at being elders to future trans kids, because we didn't have good examples ourselves.
And made it up we did. Blogs, forums, and things we would call "social media" now let us connect.
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By and large we kind of sucked at being elders to future trans kids, because we didn't have good examples ourselves.
And made it up we did. Blogs, forums, and things we would call "social media" now let us connect.
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We were really fortunate to have peers like Julia Serano ( @JuliaSerano ), Lisa Harney ( @lisaquestions), and Monica Roberts ( @transgriot, rest in power) who were looking forward, backward, and sideways to figure this out.
(They were all born within a few years of me.)
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(They were all born within a few years of me.)
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I don't mean to slight anyone who isn't listed in the last tweet, I just pulled three out of my memory who were influential in helping me understand who I was and who I could be.
(I don't think I could have come out before 2007, when "Whipping Girl" was published.)
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(I don't think I could have come out before 2007, when "Whipping Girl" was published.)
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I'm no trans historian here; so don't look to me as a source of definitive places, people, things. These are my impressions of it all from my own experience, and it may well have been different in other parts of the country or the world.
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But things are definitely different now; things are definitely _better_ now.
As much it may still suck for you folks now down _two_ trans-generations or more from mine, it was even worse for us.
That's why we worked hard to make it better -- for you.
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As much it may still suck for you folks now down _two_ trans-generations or more from mine, it was even worse for us.
That's why we worked hard to make it better -- for you.
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Much as parents hope that their kids have a life better than they did, I think everyone who fights for trans liberation realizes it's not just about _them_, it's about _us_ ... AND the trans folks who will come after us.
Nobody wants you to experience what we did.
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Nobody wants you to experience what we did.
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This is why I try so hard to be supportive of young trans people.
This is why I try to make sure that they don't repeat the mistakes of the past, repeat OUR mistakes and -our- elders' mistakes.
This is why I fight. Not for me, but for them.
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This is why I try to make sure that they don't repeat the mistakes of the past, repeat OUR mistakes and -our- elders' mistakes.
This is why I fight. Not for me, but for them.
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Honestly, here in my early 50s, in California, I feel like things are pretty much as good as they're going to get for me.
My life isn't gonna get screwed over because some 15-year-old ex-clue says bi lesbians don't exist.
But for a young, questioning queer kid?
Yeah.
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My life isn't gonna get screwed over because some 15-year-old ex-clue says bi lesbians don't exist.
But for a young, questioning queer kid?
Yeah.
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When I first heard there was a controversy about bi lesbians, I was puzzled. It seemed an odd term, but then, who cares, right? We're all making it up as we go along, right?
Note: This may be distinctly generational, as we -did- make it all up, pretty much.
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Note: This may be distinctly generational, as we -did- make it all up, pretty much.
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But young queer kids get queerness pre-assembled, and that can lead to them thinking that this is the way it's always been, so this is the way it is.
And for them, it always _has_ been that way. They're that young.
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And for them, it always _has_ been that way. They're that young.
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Not having elders meant that there was orthodoxy for us --save for the clearly outdated transmedicalist/truscum point of view from aging old white ladies, which I think most people ended up rejecting.
So to me, "making it up as you go along" seems completely natural.
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So to me, "making it up as you go along" seems completely natural.
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But for people who may not see queerness that way, it can be kind of scary and confusing, so they stick to reliable "rules" about who can be what, who can do what, who can say what.
I thought, well, that's odd that they object to bi lesbians, but okay? Not a big deal.
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I thought, well, that's odd that they object to bi lesbians, but okay? Not a big deal.
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... until I saw, on Twitter, a young bi lesbian, herself no more than 20, who was in tears because she had been told she was -hurting- lesbians, she was -hurting- bisexuals.
She'd been gaslit into believing she was a danger to other queer people.
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She'd been gaslit into believing she was a danger to other queer people.
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And that's when it hit home -- this wasn't just, like, definitional discourse about the difference between TME and TMA, or whatever, but this was about inflicting cruelty by gaslighting young queer people who are exploring and trying to understand themselves.
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The next generation(s) down from me were -always- experimenting with new labels, ideas, identities, concepts -- and many still do to this day! -- so it didn't occur to me that some young people would _question_ pushing the limits of terminology and identity.
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But there are a lot who object to exploring beyond those boundaries. Who have been taught strict rules, some from within queer communities, some from without (e.g. "lesbians can't like men", a TERF slogan).
There are kids who seriously say that gatekeeping is necessary.
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There are kids who seriously say that gatekeeping is necessary.
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I know the pain of being gatekept out of queerness. I think most people around my age do, and many who are younger than me.
You don't really see many older queer people who would call themselves "ex-clues" -- and there's a reason for it.
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You don't really see many older queer people who would call themselves "ex-clues" -- and there's a reason for it.
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Exclusion rather than inclusion was one of the big mistakes of people my age. It damaged a lot of us; trans women in particular were shut out of many queer places, and even some trans men were shut out of trans places!
Nobody wants that to come back.
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Nobody wants that to come back.
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So it's shocking to see young queer people putting on their red "Make Lesbians Great Again" hats and proudly declaring themselves champions of exclusion -- you might as well say that you're in favor of gay-bashing.
Because that's sure how it comes across to me.
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Because that's sure how it comes across to me.
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As with previous discussions about this, I don't know what the solutions are. I know that myself, I try to support all queer kids, show solidarity, and make things better for them.
I try to protect them from the TERFs and ex-clues of the world, drawing fire to me not them.
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I try to protect them from the TERFs and ex-clues of the world, drawing fire to me not them.
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But there's only so much I can do.
Eventually the ex-clue kids are gonna have to grow up and realize that we're stronger together than apart.
Lesbianism that includes trans women is stronger than lesbianism that doesn't.
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Eventually the ex-clue kids are gonna have to grow up and realize that we're stronger together than apart.
Lesbianism that includes trans women is stronger than lesbianism that doesn't.
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Lesbianism that includes non-binary people (who want to be included) is stronger than lesbian that doesn't.
Lesbianism that includes mspec lesbians is stronger than lesbianism that doesn't.
Lesbianism that accepts all pronouns is stronger than she/her-only lesbianism.
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Lesbianism that includes mspec lesbians is stronger than lesbianism that doesn't.
Lesbianism that accepts all pronouns is stronger than she/her-only lesbianism.
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This is why I fight, this is why I care.
This is why I try to support, this is why I try to defend.
This is why I try to make a difference in the world.
I hope that in some way I'm succeeding, and if not, I hope people will pick up the slack after me.
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This is why I try to support, this is why I try to defend.
This is why I try to make a difference in the world.
I hope that in some way I'm succeeding, and if not, I hope people will pick up the slack after me.
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I can't make the "thank you for coming to my TED talk" joke because TED talks are, you know, not the disjointed ramblings of an old depressed lady in the middle of the night.
I mean, most probably _start_ that way. But they're eventually polished.
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I mean, most probably _start_ that way. But they're eventually polished.
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Thanks for reading if you got this far, though.
Be kind to one another.
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Be kind to one another.
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