Apparently it's ADHD month, or something? Anyway I found out I very likely have ADHD a couple of months ago - it's been a relief, to be honest?

I've not yet accessed / tried any treatments as it keeps getting held up by email & admin (hahah cruel) - but it's really nice to feel like I *might* at some point get the only thing I've wanted for the last five years: A Holiday From My Brain

The one thing I would like to talk about briefly, is the nature of how it still seems to be diagnosed - which I find frustrating. Originally seen as being simple something that children had & grew out of, adult ADHD is a relatively new idea.

And because of that, so much of the diagnosis still seems to hinge around the same criteria, which shines less of a light on the reality of the condition and really just highlights how we treat the mental health of children?

Almost all of the criteria for my diagnosis hinged on how *I* negatively effect other things, externally - the ways in which I notably disrupt other processes such as work, social norms, relationships

Really, so many of the criteria were just extrapolations for the way it was recognised in schools: is this single child disrupting the process of *the class*? Does this adult disrupt the processes *at work*? I understand why that is, but...

As a system? It clearly doesn't work that well. I'm 35 and nobody clocked it, because they were looking for the child that couldn't sit still, and not the child that couldn't stop quietly daydreaming, or who occasionally showed propensity for *incredible* detail

And to add to that, I actually found it slightly TRICKY to get a diagnosis - on account of the fact that I've literally shaped my whole life in a way that lets me circumvent most of the things that would otherwise be a problem. My A+ coping skills made it mostly invisible.

But here's the PROBLEM: just because you're able to circumvent your own bullshit to mostly stop it damaging those around you, you're still stuck in a brain that leaves you miserably incapable of Getting Stuff Done and bullies you about that incessently to boot

And unfortunately, it took an exacerbation of this internal stuff for the rest of my mechanisms to basically erode - over the last few years I've been way more emotionally erratic, difficult to deal with, struggled far more to achieve basic things.

And so a diagnosis helps with understanding my own past - helps me recognise why I've tried my hardest and still frequently failed - and also why I've sometimes seen incredible success: the hyperfocus tiger I sometimes get to ride is absolutely the source of my best work!

But after five years of frustration at my inability to control my own focus, to do basic things like "send mail" or "tidy"? I'm tired of the exhaustion of riding a tiger and looking forward to the possibility of a bit less drama

So yeah, I'd love to see ADHD talked about more as the neurodiversity that it is, rather than a diagnosis for those who are disruptive - because often the disruption you can't see still exists, it's just being pointed inwards in a way you can't see

Having said that I've also been a massive dickhead to a number of people over the years, so whoops sorry about that haha

And finally, just in case anyone with knowledge of this stuff is concerned - I'm aware that treatments might not work / be suitable, and I'm fine with that too. Just knowing that I can try my best and still fail & that's FINE is a game-changer