fun fact of the night: i crave attention because i barely receive it

oh boy it’s that time of night where i get to be left alone with my thoughts that perpetuate my downward spiral into self loathing and depression

and i can’t even talk about it because my brain is just like “you’re only doing this so that people will pity you, you whore” even now as i am posting this

when nobody talks to me my brain says “please pay attention to me i want to feel happy” and then when people give me special attention my brain says “no you don’t deserve this attention you’re wasting their time and annoying them” so i literally just cannot win with myself

i wish i could let myself be happy

i think it stems from an irrational fear of being viewed as a narcissist, which is a belief ive held since i was like 9

and the truth is that i’m hoping that nobody actually sees this but i’m still gonna keep posting and leave it up but probably delete this thread by tomorrow morning because my brain can’t help but be self-contrarian

i am an emotional hypocrite

why am i even posting this? it’s a cry for help but my brain just tells me i’m being an attention whore and talking about my problems only makes me feel worse

people say that venting helps but for me it only makes me think about why i hate myself more and it becomes a net negative of my psyche

i keep posting because my brain loves to punish me for thinking about itself

i need professional help

but i can’t get it because it’s so FUCKING EXPENSIVE

i hate my brain and i hate being alive

thank god that i have aspirations because if i didn’t i’d be dead by now

and my aspirations are all rooted in this state of mind too so that’s cool

the main reason i want to be a game designer is because i want people to like me

i want people to feel joy because of something that i’ve created

and it’s all because i can’t make myself happy so i try my hardest to make others happy though a medium that makes me happy

i try to spark joy in others because i can’t spark joy in myself

my rom hack not being seen by anyone just feeds that part of my brain that tells me i’m not worthy of happiness

the only shred of confidence i have for myself is all the video game ideas i have that i can’t make because i have no skills

like i think i can make a good game design doc but other than that i am a piece of shit that doesn’t deserve love

that’s what my brain tells me anyway

there are games that i actually can make by myself but i can’t motivate myself to do it because of brain rot

i wish i could connect with my family more but we have absolutely nothing in common

i want to do a lot of different thing in life and i worry that i set expectations for myself too high

sorry for being a shitty little bitch baby but it just spirals out of control

i’ve distracted myself enough to not be as distressed as i was so i’ll just try to sleep

take a good look at this thread while it lasts because i will 100% be deleting it by the time i remember it’s existence tomorrow