In loving memory of my 2nd Dad, thread.

The year my father-in-law had cancer, I had no idea what to give as a birthday gift. Nothing seemed like it would be particularly useful or enjoyable. His treatment was going well, but he wasn't feeling great & wasn't eating much at all.

I finally decided to tempt his sweet tooth with a jar full of homemade cookies which felt like a cop-out, but there we were.

I sort of through them together, not my best, plus the jar was on the small side... so I told him the jar was refillable by request.

I chuckled the first time that jar came back empty. At least he was eating something. Then it came back again. And again. I made chocolate chip, peanut butter, oatmeal raisin (I hate those), chocolate crinkles, molasses, snickerdoodles, sugar cookies etc,etc, over and over again.

The burden seemed overwhelming through the holidays, my family felt robbed when I'd pull a batch out of the oven in a late night frenzy after a full day at work and deny them a single cookie.

I had to fill that damn jar.

There were no quantity or time limits on that bottomless cookie jar, what was I thinking?!? Was the man even eating anything else? Was my mother-in-law gobbling them up? I was sick of cookies.

I’m nothing if not dedicated. I decided I would make it through the year, to his next birthday and then never commit to something so absurd ever again. I thought about Spring & Summer recipes and I settled into a get it done cookie baking routine.

But every time that empty jar showed up on the counter (maybe we should start locking our doors?) I cursed myself.

I’m pretty certain I was begrudgingly working on a batch of cookies the day we got the call that we needed to come to the hospital immediately.

We weren't aware that the cancer had spread through his entire body. The very end arrived mercifully fast - in a blur of painful & bittersweet moments shared with family and friends.

Just like that he was gone.

I think of my father-in-law often and miss him dearly.
Especially when I bake. Every time I have cookies cooling on the rack, I wish I needed to make a few more to fill that jar. I wish I could grumble at a batch of oatmeal raisin - just to be convicted by the joy they brought.

Yeah, I filled the jar. But I will always regret that I made it an obligation. I hope like hell my father-in-law didn’t know I viewed it that way.

Give freely, with your whole heart & be grateful for the opportunity.

Hug your loved ones.

& feed them cookies.

#fuckcancer