The first person I EVER came out to was my LDS bishop.

I was 17 and the mission age had just changed—I was suddenly faced with the reality that I could be going on a mission as soon as I graduated high school, and I was filled with so much guilt at keeping this secret inside.

I was also really afraid that once I came out to my church leaders, they would find me unsuitable for missionary work (I didn’t know whether gay elders could serve).

However, the guilt of lying to God overpowered the fear of shame from not serving, so I decided to confess.

I was really surprised at my bishop’s reaction when I told him.

“Have you ever kissed a girl?” He asked me.

I told him yes, I had.

“Have you ever kissed a boy?” He asked next.

I was mortified—of course not!

“Well then, just keep kissing girls and don’t start kissing boys” he told me.

That night, I left his office feeling relieved at what he told me—as long as I didn’t act on my homosexuality and didn’t talk about it, I would be okay.

However, I was also pretty confused. Was that really what I was meant to do? Just act as though it didn’t exist?

It was exhausting covering it up and constantly trying to convince others I wasn’t gay.

I think deep down, I had secretly hoped he would either (1) offer me a cure, or (2) give me permission to stop pretending.

Instead, I felt stuck in the same limbo I’d been navigating my whole life, with proof that THAT is where I was meant to stay.

It took me 3 years to come out to anyone else—this time, my mission president—and he gave me the same advice; don’t tell a soul, trust in God, and keep kissing girls.

I internalized the advice of my leaders, and did everything I could to follow what they told me.

When I finally came out publicly at age 24, a lot of my family members asked me why I’d waited so long. They didn’t realize that so much of my self-worth, my purpose, and my standing with God came from hiding who I truly was. I was at odds with myself every single day.

I’m not mad at my Bishop for what he told me when I was a teenager—I genuinely believe he was saying what he thought was inspired and in my best interest (even if it was bad advice).

I am, however, sad that my first and only instinct was to seek out my church leaders over my parents, friends, and family members.

Sometimes I wonder what it would’ve been like if instead I’d gotten advice from the people who knew and loved me best.

I’m so glad I found friends during college who offered a place to be me and who I trusted with my truest self.

I also know I’m incredibly lucky—a lot of people don’t have access to the same safe spaces I did.

More than anything, I’m grateful that I didn’t keep my promise to my Bishop—it took a long time, but I finally started kissing boys (and for me, it’s SO MUCH better than kissing girls!!)

Life is infinitely more enjoyable when I’m not trying to be something other than who I am.

I hope that #NationalComingOutDay is a good reminder to love your LGBTQ+ friends and family and remember that for many (maybe even most?) of us, coming out is tied up with a lifetime of internalized guilt, shame, and pain.

I don’t think it has to be that way, however. I hope that as we continue to share our stories and speak up about our experiences, things will keep changing, for the better.

Anyways, here are some pics of me being unapologetically gay and a reminder to my 17-year-old self that it really, truly will get better.