I came out as #asexual a year and a half ago. That coming out happened as a result of many months working with a therapist and really putting in the work on myself.

But coming out isn’t a one-stop shop. It’s a process. So here’s a thing that happened recently:

I had to get some blood work for a thing my doctor was concerned about. And I asked her if she could check my testosterone levels. Because I was curious.

That was a lie. I wasn’t curious.

I wanted them to find that I had low T. Because that would explain my relationship to sex. And it would be a thing I could fix. And I’d be “normal.” Like everyone else.

I wouldn’t have to be ace. I could just be a regular guy with low T.

My testosterone levels ended up being normal. And let me tell you: I WAS CRUSHED.

There was no quick fix. There was no easy answer. I was ace. And THAT WAS SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT. It felt like a failure.

It took very little to undo all the hard work I’d done to accept myself as an ace person. And it was ME that did it! I was my own stumbling block.

It was a big lesson for me.

You can do the work and come out and have that moment of pride. But the work of loving yourself and respecting yourself is a continuing process.

Coming out doesn’t erase the painful of experience of denying yourself and your truth. That work continues after you come out.

All this to say: remember you’re not a failure if you sometimes stumble or struggle with your identity. The world makes it hard to be queer. So it’s ok if you have a hard time sometimes.

Just keep working. Keep living. Keep moving forward.

And make sure you’re kind to folks who are struggling with who they are. Indecisive folks. Uncertain folks. And be kind to those who you assume have it together.

You never know where people are on their journey. Where they might be faltering.

It’s a courageous act to accept yourself when who you are is marginalized by the world.

If you have a day that you don’t, remember the days you had that courage.