Read on Twitter
Thread of me complaining about my fragile mental health cause i’m too lazy to journal, skip if depression anxiety misgendering etc will bother/trigger you or otherwise make you feel bad
Man it is SO easy to invalidate me. Like so easy. I live in a space of trying to figure out what exactly my identity means to me despite rejecting labels. It’s near impossible in as a polarized time as this to NOT want a label. Otherwise you end up wanting to be part of spaces
and speak with people like you but unless you have that title you’re pushed away. Being black and a closeted enby is strange bcs i’m constantly forgetting and rejecting myself. Misgendering is a daily thing, and i tolerate bcs that’s my only choice. The other day my friend
(That i’m out to) accidentally said my full name instead of my nickname which is much more gender neutral and apologized and corrected himself and i said it was okay but i was fucking lying. I appreciate him so much for remembering bcs I FORGOT. For a moment i forgot that
there are people in my life that respect my pronouns and name and gender struggles. And I constantly cater to the transphobic and homophobic people bcs they have control over my life. I realized recently that i’m more anxious than depressed, but my anxiety presents in a way so
similar to depression it’s crazy. I don’t go out because i’m scared, i skip school bcs i’m scared, i ignore messages and avoid emailing teachers cause i’m scared, i’m failing several classes cause i’m scared, i keep forming stop blocks in my head that literally DO NOT exist in
real life but they feel real to me. I know i’m unreasonable and need to get it together and often feel like i’m just making excuses for myself and maybe i am, but the amount of effort it takes for me to get up to do something even if i WANT to do it is exhausting.
I can never tell if i’m invalidating myself or not being hard enough on myself and it’s just frustrating. Despite saying all these struggles i literally do not feel that bad, i actually feel pretty okay on most days but i have the looming sense in the back of my head that i’m
ignoring myself and problems bcs self-preservation. When i face all of it, i get scared again.
Okay end thread that was a lot
Also every time i tweet one of these vulnerable things i get scared again, i’m trying to get used to “hey ppl will see your feelings it’s inevitable” but it makes me so uncomfortable. I already wanna delete it all.
