I'm so over the bar and bat mitzvah service and party coercion racket that happens in American Judaism. I refuse to participate.

When parents come to me, distraught that their child doesn't want to lead a whole service, I remind them that this expectation is a new invention and not a requirement. They are bar/bat mitzvah either way.

Most of these kids have more secular leanings and say they feel like a hypocrite praying when they don't mean the words. I say: "Ok, let's not force you to do something that feels hypocritical. Let's do something to show the community you're an adult instead."

I'll work with them to research something they are interested in, say Jewish cooking. Let's research and put together and cook a special Jewish dinner for your family. Adult contribution. Maybe you want to talk about it to the congregation, teach us something. Adult contribution.

The best way to alienate a growing child is to force them to do something against their wishes religiously. It'll ruin your relationship with them as a parent, and it's a piss-poor way to show the community (and them) that they now can take on adult responsibilities.

You know what these kids say to me? They're miserable, but they don't want to disappoint their parents. Their grandparents. Me.

A child shouldn't carry and incorporate that guilt into their Jewish identity just at the moment they're opening up to more adult capabilities.

The ceremony is absolutely right for some kids. It's great when it is. It's a big, proud moment.

But so many other kids suffer through it and fight with their families daily over it. That's not what's supposed to happen.

It's totally the wrong message. And for kids who can't sing, have LDs, who have stage fright, whose parents never bring them to services because they're secular too? It's a HUGE barrier for them to jump over.

They can always learn to lead services. There's no expiration date on leading them in our communities. We have adults learning and teaching all the time.

I want these kids to be safe and supported in Judaism, not feeling like they've been run through a Jewish die-cut machine.

And you're an involved Jew with a secure Jewish identity! https://twitter.com/tashakaminsky/status/1315392659134066690?s=19

In our community, if you want to learn to lead a service, I'll happily teach you. I have tons of patience for it and will hide you through it whether you can sing or not, have LDs or stage fright or not. And you can then be the schatz if you want. Happily!

If you want to learn Hebrew, Torah, haftarah, megillah, if you want to give a d'var, I'll happily work with you! At any age! Let's do it!

My Judaism is consensual. Always.

I didn't learn to lead a service until 20. I didn't learn to decode Hebrew until 21.

It's never too late.